Where do all the porn stars go?

If you have an answer for that question right off the top of your head, then chances are you have heard this song by Everclear:



Really this whole intro was just to get you reading. I mean how can you pass up a title like that? In case you can't view the vid, or are just too lazy (it's really worth a watch/listen), the answer to the question is 'they all become Volvo driving soccer moms". Which brings up my soccer story. And yes, I am sure someone is going to give me a hard time about being a mini-van driving soccer dad, but I assure you, I have no sliding doors on my crossover and there for it is not a mini-van.

Anyway, there I am at soccer like I am just about every thursday in the late summer to early fall. Gabe really enjoys soccer and he has a very good team this year. The games are fun to watch, usually quite a few goals scored. This game was competative with a very good oposing team as well. We were sitting on the side of the field where you don't have to look directly into the sun, which really made sense to me as I like my retinas. Most of the parents were.. as well as the coaches.

Now the coaches take opposite ends of the field to setup shop. They hang out more towards the goal on the side that their team is defending. The might roam up and down a bit, but they are USUALLY very careful not to wander in front of parents and block their view. This game however was an exception. Let me introduce you to Mrs. ObnxiousStandInMyWay. This coach was annoying...treating her players like they were 5, not 9 to 11 like they really are. What bugged me most was that I was sitting pretty much midfield and she would wander all the way down from her end.. and stand right in front of me. Parents have to be about 5 feet back from the sidelines for throw-ins and whatnot, so there was room for her to do it. Repeatedly.

She wouldn't take hints, nor did she just even bother to think about the people, parents that take off work early to make sure they can have their kids to soccer ready to play by 530, that she was blocking over and over again. As I mention above, she treated her players like they were 5. The most obnoxious thing was when she wanted her players to stick with a play, she wouldn't say that. Apparently because all her players had the mental state of a toddler, she had to use code to trigger their minds. She would yell out 'PEANUT BUTTER'.

This bothered me. They are not 5 for one thing. Just tell them to stick with it, I am pretty sure they will understand. For another thing ... GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY WHILE YOU SPOUT THAT NONSENSE, I CAN'T SEE AROUND YOUR GIANT ASS. She did have a giant ass for the record. It wasn't quite one of those that look like they are smuggling a giant beach ball in their strech pants, but it was big.. and not even good to look.

I made it through the first half with only a few comments and none particularily rude. I was hoping she would get the hint peacefully. This was not to be the case apparently. Second half starts and within a couple minutes this bitch is standing in front of me... AGAIN. Not only that.. she is yelling Peanut Butter again.

I had enough at this point. Gabes team wears grey shirts and all the teams just go by the color. So its allways people yelling "Go grey! Center it!" or "Nice Defense Grey". When she started yelling PB again and again..standing directly in my line of sight, I yelled loud over the top of her "Jelly Grey team.. JELLY!!!!!" Then I started moving my head side to side to make it extremely obvious that I was trying to see around her planetoid of an ass as she turned to see who had made the Jelly comment. I just gave her a look of death that may have just suggested that I have a metal spork I keep on me just in case I have to shank some obnoxious soccer coach at the weekly game.

Sure, I could have probably just asked her to not stand in front of me, but my way was much more entertaining and much more...me. Hopefully she will think twice before standing in front of the parents that come there to see their kids play as well as stop treating 10 year olds like they are 5 and can't handle complex phrases like 'stick with it'.

I am pretty sure I have yet to see a former porn star as a soccer mom at any of the soccer matches I have been too, but every now and then you see one that makes you wonder. ;P