Strong Enough?

Disclaimer: This is likely to be long winded and rambling as its not an easy topic that I have been pondering and I am running on about 2 hours of sleep at the moment. Consider yourself warned.

So last night Lisa and I ended up watching a movie together. Long distance movie nights can be a bit obnoxious to setup with having to make sure we sync up our netflix rentals and then getting the actual movie playing as close to in sync as possible. All in all though, they are fun and we get to joke and talk and enjoy a movie together. Anyway, last night the only movie we had left for a movie night together was Bucket List. If you haven't seen it, its quite good.

I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who wants to watch it, so read this paragraph at your own risk. The basic premise of the story is that a lonely rich guy who owns hospitals ends up in one of his own hospitals sharing a room with a family man who has been married 45+ years, has 3 kids and supported his family working hard as a mechanic. As they are both battling cancer, dealing with chemo etc., they get to know each other, play cards together, and end up being a support system for each other. At one point they are both given the news that the chemo is not stopping the cancer and they are given 6 months to 1 year to live.

I can't even imagine what getting news like that must do to your head. Morgan Freeman's character Carter was making a list he called "The Bucket List" as in things he wants to do before he kicks the bucket. Jack Nicholson's character Edward gets a hold of it and adds his own things before convincing Carter to go with him to complete the list. Now Edward is very rich, has no wife, no kids he is in contact with. So he is free to do what he wants. Carter has a wife of 45+ years who is of course devastated to hear the news her husband got and wants to get second opinions. Wants to keep fighting. He also has 3 kids. Grandkids.

So now Carter has to face a choice. Does he take some time for himself after 45+ years of being the husband, the father, the provider and do some things he has always wanted to accomplish? Or does he spend every remaining minute with his family and friends? Obviously the movie would be kind of lame if he chose to just stay at home, I mean after all, the movie is called Bucket List, not "I Stayed at Home to die". The latter would have been a far more depressing title and I am glad they decided to go the other route. :P

Anyway, here's the question this brought up for me. No, it's probably not what you think I am going to toss out there. The question is not what would I do if given 6 months to live. The question is not what do I want to accomplish in my lifetime to feel like I have lived my life fully. The question that was nagging me was this: "What if someone I cared deeply about was faced with a very hard emotional situation that made them need to take some time to themselves to deal with all that it brought up, could I be strong enough to love them and support them through that?"

The wife in the movie struggled with this. Why? Did she not love him and want the best for him? Of course she did. However, people are largely selfish by nature. She wanted him and to share his remaining time with him. He needed time to himself to wrap his head around the news that he had just gotten. He needed time to deal with all the emotions that had popped up suddenly. To process and work through them. How does he explain that to her? How does she deal with it?

I have been batting this around in my head. Terminal cancer scenarios aside, there are lots of things that can come up in our life that catch us off guard. Or surprise us with emotions we weren't expecting or aren't prepared to deal with. Be it a friend, a family member or significant other, could I recognize the situation for what it was? Could I be strong enough to put my selfishness aside and provide not only the space the person needs to deal with their situation, but still somehow provide them the love and support they need? It wouldn't be easy, but I like to think I could do that if needed.

Really, it should be a no brainer right? You love this person. You care about them. You want them to be as happy as they can possibly be. You want to support them in whatever issues they run into. You want them to know you are always there for them. You want them to know that no matter what comes along, you love them and that will never change. So this should be an easy decision. Why isn't it? Why isn't it easy to just pull back and let them do what they need to?

I think its because of human nature. If you love someone, its natural to want to feel that coming the other way. Sure, you may know deep down that even if they are pulling away for a time to deal with some stuff that they still love you and care for you, but that is not quite the same as the affirmation you would get from them normally. Most people need, crave that contact. That emotional connection. Someone to share their life with. Share their joys and sadness. Share their strengths and fears with. Someone they know will be there for them, no matter what. Someone that loves them for just who they are.

After a lot of thought on this subject, I came to the conclusion that while it would be very hard, I would be able to do something like that for someone I cared for deeply. I would find a way to let them know that I loved them no matter what. Let them know that while it would not be easy to have to step back a bit from how I would normally be around them, I would give them the space they needed to work things out for themselves. Give them the time they need.

What would be hard would be finding a way to express everything to them. To make sure they know that just because I would be giving them the time and space to work some stuff out for themselves, that it doesn't change how I feel about them. It would be so hard to make sure they know that I still love them the same. That I am still here for them anytime they needed me. It would be even harder with a significant other to make it clear that stepping back a bit is probably the hardest thing in the world for me to do, even if I would realize that its the right thing and necessary at the time. That stepping back didn't mean my feelings lessened or changed. Just that I loved them enough and cared about them enough to do whatever they needed to get to a place where they have their head wrapped around all the stuff flying around emotionally.

Could you do it? Could you not only recognize that its the right choice for that person, but then follow through and be the friend, family member or SO that that person needs? Could you find a way to love them and support them and be there for them without blocking what they need to do to figure stuff out for themselves?

Its in my nature and a lot of people I know as well, to want to fix things. To make it all better. If I see a loved one hurting, my instinct is to solve the problem, to make the hurt go away. Even if I am hurting as well, my nature pushes that aside to be strong for the other person. To take care of them and support them and love them when they need it most. Its very tough for me to realize that I can't fix it. That no matter how I can't stand to watch someone who is struggling or hurting, sometimes you can't fix it for them. It's something they have to work out on their own and the only thing you can do is be there to love and support them. Doesn't make it any less frustrating to know they are not in a good place and all you want to do is take them from that bad place and make them happy. You want to make the bad stuff go away.

So I just hope that when I am faced with a situation like this, that I can prove to be strong enough. That I can still be the love and support that person needs without getting in the way of them dealing with what they need to. I hope I can encourage them and lift them up and make their day a little brighter. I hope I can find a way to make sure they know that no matter what, I am here. I will be here always. That my feelings aren't changing or going away. That I know that we'll get past this and we'll be even stronger on the otherside. I hope I can let them know that its not easy for me to step back. Not easy at all, but that I know its right and important for them and in turn important for our relationship as well.

In the movie Carter took the time he needed. He got his head straight. Worked out a lot of things for himself. Dealt with the emotions that sprung out of nowhere at him. After a short time, he headed home to be with his wife, his family. Happier, stronger, and realizing how lucky he was to have the love of all those people in his life. I think his wife realized as well how important that time was for him after he got back. As hard as it was for her to deal with his decision.. and to love and support him through it, it was well worth it in the end.

So yeah, I warned you this would be long. But as much as I like to make people laugh and tell funny stories or rant about stupid things, sometimes I have thoughts just banging around in my head that I need to get out. It helps me process it to blog about it. So this is what happens.

On a funny note, there is a coffee that Edward drinks in the movie. The most expensive coffee in the world and thus the best in his head, called Kopi Luwak. The short explination of this coffee is that a small jungle cat eats the coffee beans and they pass through his digestive track and craps them out. Villagers collect these beans and process coffee out of them. Yes, poopoo coffee. The digestive juices of the cat and the process the beans go through are what give it its unique flavor. What popped into my head was the folgers theme though and I think I actually made Lisa snort she was laughing so hard when I sang:

"The best part of waking up, is PooPoo in your cup"

Childish? Sure. Funny? Hells yes.