Added to the list of people that need a shovel to the face..

So the road right in front of the place I work is under some serious construction. It needed it. The road was in crap shape and it was a 2 lane road that really needed to be 4 lanes, so thats what they are working on now. Construction of course means ripping things up, lane closures and even worse roads for a while.

Right where I turn into work, I have to go down off the new blacktop they had put down on the one side about 2 inches onto a section of the old road that is left. Then from there you go down another 2 inches or so onto a small section of dirt and gravel. It's pretty well graded, so not a big deal at all. I pretty much floor it through there as its the closest I get to off roading and actually its a lot smoother if you just keep moving across it quickly.

On several occasions now, I have been stuck waiting to turn behind someone driving some big fancy SUV. Escalades, Navigators, Excursions, Tahoes even a Hummer. All big vehicles with good ground clearance and 4WD. Big engines. Tough vehicles designed to handle tough terrain. The drivers should be excited to hit some rough ground finally. Instead, they baby those things across that section of road like the car is made out of glass and any big bump is going to shatter the damn thing.

Anyone that drives an SUV with 18" tires and is afraid of a section of dirt and gravel road that is all of about 25 yards long is in desperate need of a shovel to the face. I have a front wheel drive only Pacifica and I tear right across there. You are in a vehicle with 4wd, huge ground clearance and you are driving like a nancy boy. The guy in the Chevette with the rusted out floor boards and no hood just went through there 3 times as fast as you and if anyone is going to fall out the bottom of his vehicle when he hits a good bump.. its Chevette guy.

I think I am going to set up a stand on the side of the road just after this section of dirt and gravel. I shall deploy out of work Wallmart greeters to push their walkers along this section. Sure it will be tough for them to push through the dirt and gravel, but its good for them to challenge themselves. I will use these walkers as a guague as to how long it takes Mr.SUV to get across the dirt section. Anyone getting beat by a walker gets flagged over to the booth. I will then ask them to step out of the car so I can present them with an award. When they step out, I hand them a certificate that recognizes them for the asshat that they are. Then I will ask them to smile nice for my assistant with the camera. While they are mugging for the camera, I will quickly smash them in the face with a shovel as hard as I can.

Maybe you don't understand why I am fascinated with hitting someone right in the face with a shovel. It's mainly because of the pure joy that ensues when the metal face of the shovel makes contact with the bones in their face. Is is the crunch of the bones? The vibrations like a tuning fork that run up the handle of the shovel? Is the the startled "AHHHHHHHAHAHA WTF WAS THAT?!?!?" Truth be told, its a comination of all those things. That and no one is worried when you are carrying a shovel. If I had boxing gloves on, or was carrying a shotgun or something, people would be very suspicious. No one expects a shovel to the melon.

Why do they buy SUVs? Is is the amazing gas mileage and low environmental impact? Let's see.. Cadillace Escalade 2008 has this written about it "The AWD is equipped with a standard 6.2-liter, V8, 403-horsepower engine that achieves 12-mpg" So I am going to go ahead and say NO. Its not for its 'green' status.

It must be for the towing options to get all your recreational vehicles around then right? Oh.. wait. I noticed while the guy with the walker was pulling ahead of you on the right that you don't even have a hitch on yours. Guess not!

Is it for driving safety in the winter time? Based on your fear of 25 yards of dirt, I am guessing you don't even venture out if the roads have snow on them. Even if you do, any vehicle is safe at the 0.3MPH you will be driving it at anyway.

Maybe they need all the extra seating for their large family? Oh wait, large families don't drive $65,000 SUV's. One, they don't want kids trashing an expensive vehicle and two, they probably can't afford one if they have a whole brood of kids anyway :P

My last theory was that they were clearly compensating for something. But then I remembered that if a guy is compensating for something, he is more likely to buy a little gray Mazda 6. Or something small and sporty. I am not sure why I mentioned the Mazda there. Just a random example. :P

I don't know that a shovel to the face will make these people realize how retarded they are driving their SUV's like they are afraid to jostle their jar of Grey Poupon they have in their glove compartment, but it will make me feel better.

/em waves over the next SUV.

"Sir, Wayne here started crossing the dirt the same time you did and beat you with his walker. I am here to bestow an award on you for safe driving of your 4WD SUV. If you'll kindly step over here for a picture... THWACKKKKkkkkTWWayayayaynnnnGGGGGGGGG. Ahhh. Thank you Sir. Have a nice day and go buy a golf cart if you want to drive like that you tool."