Relationships and Reality

This is a post I have been thinking about.. and putting off. Starting and then deleting. Trying to wrap my head around things. What really got me thinking was stumbling across this blog post as I was following various links around: Link. Shortly after that, I happened to start talking with a good friend from high school that I reconnected with via facebook and our conversations have touched on a lot of the same things as brought up in that blog post.

I started thinking a lot about what I want out of a relationship. What I NEED. What kind of expecations I have. Are the reasonable? Am I completely out of my mind? What is a realistic expectation these days? I don't believe things are as they were 50 years ago. I won't bore you with statistics, but in doing some research I found that the divorce rate now is almost double what it was in the 50s and 60s. I don't know whats different. I can't say if the difference is good or bad. It is different though. I know people say divorce rate nowadays is 50%. I found most statistics showing more like 40% for first marriages, but what I found disconcerting was the statistics for 2nd marriages was more like 60% divorce rate.

I am not in a hurry to get married again. At the same time, I think being that commited to someone.. wanting to share my life with someone enough to want that, is a wonderful thing. How do I avoid being in that statistic? What have I learned in my experiences thus far that will hopefully prevent me from ending up in that place again?

For those people that have been kind enough to share some of their own experiences and indulge me in conversations on the issue, I want to say thank you. Its been very eye opening getting perspectives from women to counterbalance the guy side of things.

In today's world, what is reasonable to expect in a relationship? In a marriage? I think a lot of concepts that were ingrained way back when are rediculous. As the author of that blog post discussed, it is pretty rediculous to assume that just because you are in a relationship and happy, that you would never look at or think about another woman/man. Now don't get me wrong, I am not condoning infidelity. Not in any way, shape or form. Just saying the ancient concept of once you are commited to a relationship with someone that all thoughts and desires for anyone else go out the window is not based in reality. I think its perfectly natural to have thoughts and desires and if you can recognize that and discuss it, you are far better off than trying to pretend it doesn't exist.

GGC talked about how she felt that when she got married, that she was trapped. That when she got married she gave up a lot of what she wanted out of life to be a wife and mother. I think its natural to feel that way. How many movies have you seen where the guy has to trade in his convertable for the minivan? That is often the image projected. That once you get married and settle down, that life must become mundane and boring and not what you wanted. That you can't be yourself anymore and must become super-spouse and embody all those concepts society has tossed out there on how a spouse should behave.

I don't think that is the case, but being in a relationship where two individuals can maintain a semblence of themselves and still forge a shared life is a tricky situation. I started thinking about how people approach a relationship. I started really thinking about how I am going to approach a new relationship. I want to share my life with someone. It's the way I am. I don't mind being single, but ultimately, I like having someone to be close to. Someone to experience life with .. the ups and the downs. Someone I can love and support and who wants to do the same for me. That being said, I don't think a relationship can work long term if one or both of the people define who they are based solely on that relationship.

In the past couple years, going through seperation, divorce, and dating, I have discovered a lot about who I am as a single person who is still a dad with two amazing kids. While I want to share my life with someone, its just that. I want to share my life and hope she wants to share hers in return. I don't want to be her whole life. I don't want her to be my whole life. If that makes any sense at all.

I get that relationships are compromise and take work and enough talking and discussion to make your head spin like a top. I just don't think that being in a commited relationship means giving up who you are. In fact I have come to the conclusion that doing so is detrimental to the relationship in the long run. So how do you find that balance? How do you forge a life together with that special someone without losing who you are?

Ahh the reality of things can be quite scary. Anyone want to take a guess as to what percentage of women dating out there have any interest in dating a guy in his 30s that already has 2 kids and no desire to have anymore? Most in their early to mid 30s are in that 'settle down and have kids' mode. I love kids, but I am not going back to the baby phase. I love that my kids can carry on conversations with me and are a blast to hang out with now. So do I find that hot soccer mom who is in a similar situation as me? Sure, but then you are talking double the scheduling issues and time commitments. Double the ex-drama. Double the complications.

There are so many things stacked against successful relationships these days. Even more for the divorced dad of 2. Its tough to not get pessimistic, but I remain optomistic. She is out there somewhere. I hope. ;)