If you drive like a retard...

If you are going to insist on driving like a retard, a state where snow and ice on the roads are common really is NOT the place for you. Try Floriday.. or Texas.. or Arizona.

I was driving in this morning after oversleeping and I swear they knew I was late and so they radio dispatched retarded drivers. Granted, it was snowing this morning. Not heavy, but steadily. Of the 3 lanes on the freeway heading west the condition from right to left went like this: Clear, 95% clear, snowy. So, as you may guess, people were not driving in the left lane that was covered in snow. The other two lanes were perfectly usable.

Apparently there is a rule for retarded drivers that I was unaware of. The rule goes something like:

If white stuff is in the air, assume the apacolypse is here and the first people to be taken by the angels of death will be those driving over 40 miles an hour on the freeway.

So.. the retards in the right lane, which is perfectly clear mind you, are doing 30 miles an hour. Clearly they want to play it safe in case the sword of the apacolypse is not very accurate when smiting people. There are however retards that like to live on the edge. Like to live dangerously. Therefore they are not content to ride in the pack at 30 .. they are going to do like 35.. maybe even 37! So they are all in the midle lane, which is also quite clear, doing 35 and slowly passing the right lane retards, which I have officially dubbed RLRs. The middle lane ones consequently have been labled MLRs.

All I can say is its a good thing that its quite illegal to shoot drivers on the freeway. The body count today would have been tremendous. But then I got to thinking... would the body count really have been that high? Think about it. If these people drive like retards all the time, they probably would have been taken out by someone already, thus they would not have been there to irritate me today.

If you are going to drive 35 on the freeway just because there are flurries in the air, at least do it in the snow covered lane which is the only one that actually justifies the slower speeds.

What I really need is one of those LCD signs that scrolls messages across it mounted on the roof of my car. Only I would program it to scroll the message backwards so that the car in front of me could read it. I could scroll messages like:

You are clearly retarded. Move your vehicle out of my way immediately.
or
MOVE BEFORE I PULL YOU FROM YOUR VEHICLE AND HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL.

I watched DeathRace with my bro-in-law when I was in AZ and I am starting to think a hood mounted .50cal machine gun would be quite effective as well. I need to do something before I go insane trying to deal with idiots on the road.