Randomness

Yes, I realize yesterdays topic was a little random and off the wall. I was extremely tired yesterday morning and was feeling decidedly uncreative, so I asked a friend I was chatting with to help me out with and idea to blog on. He made a couple of random suggestions and then came up with "Bacon: Why is there even any other kind of meat?". That made me chuckle and brought to mind some articles I had seen over recent months, and there you go.

I know I bounce back and forth between the random and funny and sometimes more serious and introspective posts. I guess you'll just have to skip the ones you don't like. That's your perogative as I do this for my own enjoyment and to get stuff out of my head that I don't think to tell people that I don't talk to often, or wouldn't normally bring up in the course of conversation. Today is one of those days, so you are hereby warned and can skip the rest of this post if you so desire. :P

I have discussed perception before, and every day I find new examples of how peoples different perceptions on a situation can greatly affect how that relationship functions. How it can affect those around them without them even knowing it. Lately I have been talking to people about divorce, mainly because things were just finalized on mine. It was a very odd experience. Despite the fact that things have been done for quite a while between my Ex and I, it was just odd to have to announce that in a court, sign documents stating the same thing and then hear a judge officially and legally end a marriage.

So when it was all said and done, it should have been champagne and balloons and a big party right? I was finally free! So why didn't it feel like that? It really came back to how I view marriage. I know the divorce rate in this country is over 50% these days. I know some people go into a marriage with that in mind. They get married without really thinking about it. They just think "What the hell.. we can just get a divorce if it doesn't work". I think that is a huge part of why the divorce rate is so high. People don't really think about what it is to be married. They don't look at it like it used to be viewed, as a forever kind of thing. These days its viewed as a 'works for now' kind of thing and so many people jump off the wagon as soon as they hit that first big bump in the road.

So why didn't I feel that sense of joy and freedom on that day? I never viewed marriage that way. Marriage to me is something sacred. Regardless of your religious views, marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is telling someone that no matter what happens down the road, I always want to be with you. It's telling someone that I love you so much, you are the only person I want to be with to the end of my days.

How can I feel that way and still be posting about how my divorce just finalized? I am just a huge hypocrit? Sometimes I feel that way, but honestly my view on marriage is still the same. For marriage to work though, both parties need to be happy. Oh I know there are going to be tough times and unhappy times and stressful times, but on the grand scheme of things, you need to make each other happy. If that is not happening, then at the most basic level, things are not working. I can't pinpoint where things went wrong. I can't point to one thing and say that if I had done something differently or she had done something differently, everything would still be good. Bottom line was that we both made mistakes that built up over time and we got to a point where we were not happy together in a marriage.

So what does that mean? Did we give up? Take the easy way out? Far from it. I am not going to go into details and I certainly don't feel the need to explain my choices, but we didn't take the easy way out. Not by a long shot. The whole situation was made even more complicated by the fact that I have two amazing boys with my ex. I didn't want them to have to deal with the stigma of being the child of divorce. I didn't want them having any ideas in their head like kids often do about who is to blame and why it happened. I know its pretty much the norm nowadays.. kids dealing with divorce. I know a good number of their friends deal with the same thing. Still didn't make it any easier for me to deal with putting my kids in that situation.

So, I had to come to a tough decision. A tough realization. Was it worth trying to keep things together just for the kids? Was it worth just staying together for the sake of appearances and not wanting to break the vow's of marriage? Even when things were not good? Was seeing their parents still married, but not happy together a better option than seeing their parents seperated, but still friends and still providing that safe and loving environment for them? As I said, my boys are amazing. I know that I am biased, but I think if you talk to anyone that knows them, they will say the same thing. Their capacity for handling everything going on has been just incredible. They adjusted quickly and adjusted well to the new situations. They are still happy, healthy, fun, outgoing kids who do great in school and outside of the normal annoying kid stuff are well behaved and a pleasure to be around.

As I said, divorce is common these days. All around I see friends going through it as well. Different situations, different reasons, but usually it boils down to the fact that they are not happy and going through the motions day to day when you are not happy in a relationship wears on you. If things aren't improving or changing, it will get to a point where it just becomes a bad situation. So what do you do? Try and keep appearances up and avoid divorce? Some people treat divorce as an easy out option, but I honestly think for the most part that people do not approach it lightly and try to fix things and make things work before they get to that point. I think at some point they just sit down, think about things and have to be honest with themselves. Have I made every effort I can to make this work? Even if this or that changes, can we fix things to where we are happy and can trust those feelings again? The answers to those questions are extremely tough. Sometimes they make you work harder to keep things going. Sometimes you come to the realization that it is just not working.

I think that marriages that work long term are based on a solid friendship first. If the person you are thinking about marrying is not someone you would call your best friend, think twice. Are there things you don't feel comfortable discussing with that person? Ok.. there are always uncomfortable topics, but the question really is, "Are there topics that you won't talk to them about?". If there are things you flat out won't talk to someone you are planning on spending the rest of your life with, every single day with, then I would think seriously about how things are going to work long term.

I know this post is long.. and is going to get longer, so grab a beverage and take a break if you need too.. assuming you have even made it this far. :P

I look around at the various people I know going through seperations and the divorce process. Some with kids, some without. I quickly realized how odd my situation was for divorce. I don't hate my ex. I don't want to see her miserable and suffering. We are still good friends actually. We were friends before we got married and while that didn't work for us long term, it doesn't change the fact that we have that friendship. I am very lucky to still have her as a friend. It makes everything easier in being able to provide that stability for the boys and to still have someone you know you can count on in a pinch.

A lot of the people I know are not in that situation. I see so many ugly divorces. People who made a commitment to love and treasure each other for always, suddenly turning on the same people they made that commitment to. It gets vicious, bitter, angry, and messy legally. They manipulate situations to make themselves look good. They manipulate situations to make the other party look like a horrible person. They make things as hard as possible for the other person. They get petty. They go out of their way to say things or do things that hurt the other person.

One thing you find out with being in a relationship with someone for a long period of time is just how to get under their skin. When things are happy and good, you learn those things as stuff not to do. You don't want to hurt them, so when you do or say something that does, you file that away as something to never do again. What angers and saddens me is to see people who you know still have a special place in their heart for that person on some level, suddenly using that knowledge to hurt the very same person the promised to love and cherish and protect for always.

I don't understand it. You are hurt. Ok.. it sucks, but life hurts sometimes. Does you being hurt and needing to deal with that make it ok to do your best to make someone elses life miserable? If you are honest with yourself, don't you think they are already hurting? I suppose there are some situations where one party is just a heartless bitch or bastard who never cared for the other person, but I think that is quite rare and I don't see it in any of the situations with people I know. There was friendship and love there when they got married. So how do you turn on that person you call a friend and on some level most likely still love in a way, and set out to take the knowledge you gained on them over the years to make their lives a living hell?

Does it make things better? Oh maybe it makes you feel better in the very short term, but it certainly doesn't make things better. I am constantly floored .. and angered by some of the things that I hear people have done to their ex's or soon to be ex's. Using kids like pawns to manipulate the other person and the legal system. Using intimate knowledge of the other person to say all the things that you know will destroy them on a personal level. People that go out of their way to make the legal processes as complicated and drawn out as possible. People that go out of their way to spin everything to make themselves look good and to turn friends and family against their ex.

There are some people who say they are still, or want to still be friends with their ex's. I hope that when they say they want to still be friends, that they step back and seriously think about what that means. Being cordial and non-confrontational is NOT the same as being friends with someone. That is how you treat a co-worker or casual acquaintence. If your marriage was based on a strong friendship and you want that to continue, then you need to be a true friend.

Think about your best friends. They are people you can talk to without being judged. They are people you care about and you know care about you in return. They are people that always have your back, that if push came to shove you would do just about anything to help them. While you might joke with and give a friend a hard time, you are concious of the stuff that might hurt them and you make sure you don't go there. You don't speak bad about them to other people even if they do something that hurts you or makes you angry. You forgive them, talk about it, move on and just want them to be happy.

So I guess I would say to those that claim they are going to be friends with an ex.. be it just someone you dated, or someone you were married to, can you be that person for them? If you say you want to be friends, can you put your hurt aside and be that person for them even when its tough. Can you be supportive and understanding when they are moving on with their life? When they start seeing someone else? Can you forgive them when something they say or does hurts you again?

It's not an easy situation and not everyone can do that. If you can't be that person, or don't want to try and still be friends, then at least respect the person you at one point were friends with and loved enough to want to marry, to not be a complete jackass to them. Respect them enough to not be the person that tries to ruin their life just because they hurt you.

Seperation and divorce is never easy. I just hope more people realize that if it gets to that point, that it doesn't have to be a bitter, angry, miserable experience for one or both parties. I am not going to lie and say its fun and games, but if you truly care about them, then show it still and do what you can to make the best of a bad situation. I don't care what the other person did, a marriage or relationship failing takes two parties. Maybe you didn't do anything. Maybe its things you didn't do. Maybe you don't even realize it. Just don't delude yourself into thinking that something like that happens and you are completely blameless.

What is the point of this long rambling, epic length post? Treasure the special people in your life, even if things don't always work out the way you wanted or expected them to. Live your life the best you know how. Be happy. Be the good person even if the other party is not. Make the best of the tough situations, even if they hurt sometimes. Learn from your mistakes and protect yourself to an extent, but don't be afraid to put yourself out there and open your heart to someone again. Life is too short to spend it angry or scared.

If you have made it this far, you should get a medal of some sort. Or at least some kind of prize. If I could, I would take you to Cold Stone for some oatmel cookie batter ice cream with your choice of mix-ins. Since I can't though, I will leave you with a favorite scrubs clip of mine. I see my Marianne walking awwaayayayyayYAYAYAYAYAY...