Rambo and the Chipmunks

While we were out and about this weekend, I splurged and rented a movie as Rambo had just come out on DVD and I had been wanting to see it. My younger son was with me and he really wanted to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. Wanted it badly enough to offer to pay for it with his own money even. So home we go with movies in hand.

Rambo was pretty much what I expected. A highly trained yet reluctant killing machine makes a small connection with someone who then gets captured and must be rescued. He gives up his peaceful simple existance to do things he swore he would never do again to save the woman and a few of her friends. I like a good action flick and this definitely fell into that category.

Rambo was very bloody / gory however and those that avoid that kind of stuff should really just not watch this one. There is a .50 cal sniper rifle that is used to basically decapitate people in a couple of scenes. Rambo rips one guys throat out with his bare hand. Towards the end, he hops up on the back of a jeep with a .50 cal machine gun on it and quite literally chowders 50+ soldiers. When these rounds hit, they blow holes in bodies or rip limbs right off. There is tons of blood and they aren't afraid to show what happens as the bullets rip through the victims.

After watching the movie, I watched a bonus feature they had called "The Weapons of Rambo" where they talked about the selection of the weapons for the film. Originally they were going to have Stallone carry and fire the .50 cal machine gun. The gun weighs over 120lbs and while he could lift it, there was no way he was going to go running around with it and fire it. So they mounted it in the back of the jeep. Thing was, the first time they fired it, the kickback ripped it right out of the jeep. They had to go back and reinforce the back of the jeep and the mounting points with 1/2 thick steel plate. I was thinking to myself, if that gun has THAT much recoil to it, it would have been amusing to see a video of Stallone trying to shoot that while holding it. :P

My son LOVED Alvin and the Chipmunks. He kept telling me I had to watch it. Despite several warnings that it was Jason Lee's "sellout" movie, I decided to give it a go based on glowing reccomendations from both my boys. I can honestly say that it was a horrible movie. Jason Lee has done a number of movies that I enjoy along with the TV show 'My Name is Earl'. To see him do this was really quite sad. The movie was overly predictable. As if the annoyance of the chipmunks singing in that high pitched voice was not bad enough, most of the characters in the movie were extremely pathetic.

Even if I had gotten past all that, the movie was comepletely destroyed with one line. Those of you that know me well will remember my love for the Die Hard movies. John McClane (Bruce Willis) in that movie has a famous line after being called a cowboy repeatedly by the villian in the movie Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman). At one point he says "Yippe ki yay, Motherfucker". I have heard this line bastardized several times. The first was when I saw an "edited for TV" version one afternoon and they changed it to say "Yippe ki yay, Mr. Falcon" which was completely random as there was no Mr. Falcon in the movie. Anyway, towards the end of the Chipmunks movie, one of them is running down a hallway and yells out "Yippe ki yay, Mamacita"

Mamacita means "little mother" in spanish. I don't think there were even any women in the scene, much less anyone that could be considered a 'little mother'. This line made a bad movie much much worse. It was a crime that shall not go unpunished. Directors, script writers, editors, producers... someone should have stopped that atrocity. There are many people that need to be hit in the face with a shovel apparently.

If I had my way, I would make a combination of the two movies and call it Rambo and the Chipmunks. Jason Lee's character Dave is replaced by one John Rambo. The chipmunks are annoying with their singing and dancing. Eventually Rambo threatens to take them out and so they go running away down the street while Rambo shoots at them with a .50 cal machine gun mounted in the back of his truck. First Theodore takes one in the backside. He is the slow chunky one, so he gets picked off quickly. Simon then loses his glasses while running and when he stops to pick them up, a projectile as big as he is tears him apart. Alvin.. the fastest of the 3.. is running and dodging. Just as he's about to round a corner and be out of sight, he stops. Turns. Looks into the camera and says "Yippie ki yay, Mamaaa SPLAT!" Ok.. he doesn't say 'splat'. That is just the wet, squishy noise he makes as his small furry self disintegrates as several .50 cal rounds tear through him. Ahh.. what a much better movie that would have been.

I would probably have cast Snaggletooth in Rambo and the Chipmunks as well. She could be the obnoxious neighbor who takes random machine gun fire to the face as Rambo shoots up the area going after the chipmunks. We could film in slow-mo as her head was ripped from her body. At this point the audience would all be on their feet in a standing ovation. I would probably get an academy award for actually making her look better than she ever has before. I could get Rascall Flats to do the soundtrack and have them do a cameo in that scene and have them get picked off by stray fire as well! The final credits could roll as the camera pans over joyous carnage.

Ahh.. I'm all warm and fuzzy inside now.