Raised or Sheltered?

There are some parents who think that the best way to raise their kids is to assume the pictured stance and pretend the big scary world doesn't exist. Couple of things to think about though with that attitude:

1. You are wayyyy overdressed for the beach.
2. No, I don't think you can actually make a pearl in your vagina as a second income source, so you want to keep sand out of there. It makes you cranky.
3. You look ridiculous.
4. With this position and mentality, the world doesn't cease to exist. It is just going to drill you in the ass when you least expect it because you won't see it coming.

My sister, who apparently is the antichrist, bought a webcam for me and my boy, and one for my parents for xmas this year. I found us a decent free video conferencing software to use and every now and then we all get on and talk. Its great to be able to see my nephew as he changes so fast. My mother, loving this concept for keeping in touch with family, suggested her brother and sisters get one too. I am going to copy the email here so you can see it for yourself. The names have been changed to protect the overly sheltered.

"I will not get a web cam...because I don't want Sheltered to use it.
There way too many stories of kids/teenagers using them and getting into trouble, especially the good kids.
It use to be you had to just remind kids not to smoke and drink... nowadays... I warn Sheltered all the time about even accepting and sending cell phone pictures, about using his itouch responsibly, web sites that are not legal, etc etc. he isn't even on face book.
On this school trip i told him no photos... no photos, me telling Sheltered no pictures. yup, they get distorted and plastered everywhere."


I was just absolutely floored at the paranoia in this email. What exactly are you afraid of? If there is a webcam in the house that he is suddenly going to be posting pictures of his penis on the internet? That a pedophile is going to be wanting live sex shows? That the latest terrorist group is going to show him how to make homemade bombs via webcam and induct him into their sleeper cell in preparation for world domination?

No photos? You are honestly going to tell me that you told your child (who is about to graduate high school FYI, not an 8 year old or anything), that he cannot take pictures on the trip or be in photos for fear they are going to end up on a myspace page somewhere and ruin his chance of becoming head of the PTA when they are discovered? Lighten the fuck up already before you ruin this kids life.

My ex and I had many discussions on this kind of thing and luckily we are on the same page. You have to let kids experience life. The ups, the downs. The good and the bad. You can't just shelter them from everything you wish didn't exist out there. Yes, you need to protect your kids and try your best to keep them safe. You need to monitor them and try and steer them away from the trouble spots. You cannot however just keep them from doing anything that might have some remote possibility of being a bad thing.

I talk to my kids all the time and I know my Ex does as well. We will sit them down together at times still and have discussions with them. We ask them tough questions. We watch movies with tough topics or discuss current events that bring that stuff up. They ask tough questions about stuff they see and hear. Its an amazing thing. Go ask my 13 year old what his stance on gay marriage is. Go ask my 11 year old what he knows about drug addiction or HIV / AIDS. They will talk to you about it.

I am not saying I find the bad part of town and take them down there and let them socialize with crack dealers and heroin addicts. I don't however pretend that people with those addictions don't exist. I let my kids on the internet. They have cell phones with texting and can take / send pictures. Instead of telling them they can't use a webcam or can't take pictures, we sit down and discuss it. We discuss why you have to be careful and smart about what you do and where you post that kind of thing.

Give your kids your love and support. Give them the knowledge they need to make smart decisions. Let them know you will answer any question. Make sure they know that they can come to you for the right information and that they have a source for that. Empower them and give them the tools to be a great person. Don't just stand between them and the real world and think that is the same thing.

I have seen myself some of those kids that were controlled and sheltered all through high school and what they turned into when they went off to college. While most of us enjoyed the freedom of college, they tended to go INSANE. From one extreme to another and they just weren't equipped to handle what the real world was throwing at them. That to me is a far scarier scenario.

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I deserve a medal!

The one upside to being sick is I manage to catch up on my backlog of shows and movies I have to watch. I borrowed the HBO series Rome from my brother and watched the whole first season. I enjoyed that show. Lots of political backstabbing (literally) and intrigue.

I watched a few movies as well. Let's see....

The Village: Every since enjoying The Sixth Sense, I have ranged from dissapointed to flat out disgusted on M. Night Shamalamadingdang movies since. Wayyyyy to predictable. But the upside is it was also very slow!

Michael Clayton: Older movie with George Clooney. The lawyer that goes crazy has a great rant. Overall, enjoyed the movie. Not great, but entertaining enough.

The Mummy: Curse of the Dragon Emporer: Watched this one with the boys as we were moving through the series. Movie was entertaining and had the cheesy humor that made the first two great. There is a scene where a Yeti nutkicks a bad guy over this building between two columns and then looks at the other Yeti and puts his arms in the air like he was signaling a good field goal. The boys were practically snorting in laughter over that. Both the fact that the bad guy got nutkicked by a yeti and the fact that the yeti are apparently football fans.

Rendition: A little slow at parts, but it was an interesting look into the dark side of what governments do in the name of protecting the country sometimes. Its a fictional story, but one that I imagine is not all that far off the mark of things certain organizations within the government are capable of doing in the name of national security, especially with the hightened terrorist threats over the last few years.

In the Name of the King (A Dungeon Siege Tale): Shoot Ewe Boll. Shoot him now. Take a look at the Lord of the Ring series and see what can be done with a good director and some amazing story possibilities. This was the opposite of that. There was so much potential for a good movie.. for a good script. Apparently that was not the goal. The story, script, acting, directing and overall flow of the movie were ALL BAD. There were an assortment of ninja wannabees from Crouching Tiger, tree chicks sliding down on vines to fight like someone right out of Cirque du Soleil and the fairly hot but completely untalented Leelee Sobieski. The dialog was awkward and some of the normally talented people in this movie were reduced to bumbling idiots as they tried to work their way through over 2 hours of this nonsense.

The bright spots were the comical fighting scenes (which were supposed to be serious and all bad-ass) and the fact that Burt Reynolds plays the king. Ever since he got old and then showed up in the movie Striptease wearing nothing but shorts and cowboy boots and covered head to toe in vasoline talking about how he liked the way it squished between his toes, his career has been on the fast trac again! He was never a great actor, but what little acting ability he had was forgotten long ago. He seems confused most of the time, but it works with the rest of the script and direction of this movie.. so way to go Burt!

If you don't want to take my word for it, here are some exerpts from various reviews of the movie on netflix:

Like actors in an amateur stage play, the large, mostly all-star -- or has-been star -- cast of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale look, rather dazedly, to be playing dress-up.

This is the worst film I have ever seen. I rated it a 1 because there was no option for zero. With a cast like this, I expected better but when the writing is bad there is no hope. Everything about this film stinks: the acting, the directing, the writing, the editing. This film should be shown to all film students on how NOT to make a movie

Open letter to Uwe Boll: Mr. Boll, I have to hand it to you, how you got all those well known actors to star in this film is beyond me. I mean, this movie looks as though some college student pulled out his video camera and recorded people LARPing.

An impressively pathetic excuse for a movie. Don't be fooled by reviews claiming this is a great movie for a laugh. I've seen some good cheese and this is not it. I watched this movie for free and had to fast forward through most of it, it's that painful. I really hoped to find some redeemable qualities to justify my time but none presented themselves. I can't figure out who to fault for the terrible acting but must assume it's the directors. I don't even know what to say about Ray Liotta.


Now I could go on.. there are 987 reviews on netflix.. and most of them are like that. I am just floored that Ewe Boll still manages to get a budget in Hollywood and that he can still get people to act in his movies. He should be restricted to budgets the size of the Blair Witch Project and only be allowed actors I designate. Like Snaggletooth and the guy who plays Spiderman. He can keep Matthew Lillard as he is a tool. And Ray Liotta. He can also have the Wayans brothers. Oh, and Ben Afflek. Give him 60K and that group of actors and let him just go to town. They could spend 50K on a cast and crew drug and booze bender weekend, film the whole party with a camcorder and sell it to a studio as "Cloverfield 2: The Quickening". Can't be any worse.

I think anyone that made it through the whole movie should get a medal, and the opportunity to nutkick Ewe Boll through a goalpost. The Yetis will be there to signal that its good.

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Must... have..

I know some people like to collect those t-shirts with sayings, or themes, or are brand name snobs. I tend to just get whatever is comfortable and I like the looks of. Thus I generally stay away from $20 t-shirts that are only that expensive because of some graphic or logo on it. So while I will chuckle at someones shirt or hat with some amusing joke or saying on it, I just can't stomach paying a small fortune to entertain the world with my clothing.

I had to make an exception though when I saw this shirt yesterday. If you have never read Ctrl+Alt+Delete, it's definitely worth checking out if you are a gamer of any level or related to a gamer. You can find it HERE.

In the comic, Lucas is a gamer. Lucas however is the more down-to-earth, responsible, 8-to-5 job having one. Ethan is the screw-up always following his crazy ideas and generally tossing their lives into a whirlwind. Lucas is constantly bailing out Ethan.. trying to deal with his idiotic and stupid behavior. Sometimes it sends him into a rage where its all he can do not to pummel Ethan about the facial region.

When I saw this shirt, I was just amazed at how awesome it is. The only thing that could have made it slightly more pefect is if it referenced a shovel instead of a bat.



I must have one.

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Don't be alarmed...

I am finally feeling better and back to work today, so back to blogging as well. Friday night I went out for happy hour with my brother and some great friends. It was funny as my brother and I look nothing alike and my friends daughter went through the entire evening without realizing who exactly he was. We were about to leave and I called him 'bro' and she looks at me, looks at him, and says "He is your brother?" I just told her that we bought him from gypsies. Of course she is old enough to give me the look, and the eye-roll that my boys do when they know I am full of it.

On my way to this fun evening, I got a phone call. Most people in my phone have a ring tone associated with them, so when I get the standard noise, its someone I don't talk to often. This time it happened to be my landlord. I answer the phone and the conversation goes something like this:

LL: Hey.. are you at home right now?

Me: No.. on my way out for happy hour. I went straight from work so I haven't been home since 5am. Whats up?

LL: Well I don't want you to be alarmed. I was hoping you were at home.

Me: Don't be alarmed about what?


Now at this point all sorts of things are going through my mind. Did the place get robbed? Am I getting evicted? Did the Feds break down my door to seize my collection of copied movies? Did the water from the upstairs apartment leak into mine like it did on the other side of the building a couple months ago? Did my hippie neighboors get busted for growing pot in their apartment?

LL: Well you know how I have the property for sale right?

Me: Yeah...

LL: Well my brother is the realator. His name and number are on the sign. Someone called his number and said that they think the building might be on fire.

Me: On fire? That seems like something I should probably be alarmed about.

LL: Well I already called the fire dept. to check it out. I was trying the residents to have someone confirm what was going on. I will call you back as soon as I figure out whats going on.

Me: OK

So I hang up the phone. I am about 15 minutes from home at this point and I debated if I should call my friends and my brother and tell them I had to cancel and go home to see what was up. Then I decided it was a long week and I really wanted a beer. So I vetoed the going home idea. My LL called back at that point.

LL: Good news, the building is fine. It was a couple doors down aparently that had smoke coming out of it.

Me: /whew .. good news. Thanks for callhing me back.

LL: No problem. Were you on your way home?

Me: Nope. I am not there, my boys are with my ex, and I have no pets. So if the building is already on fire there is nothing I was going to be running in there to try and save anyway and thus no point in me rushing home. I am going to have a beer or three and relax. Glad everything is ok. Talk to you later.

LL: Umm.. ok. Goodbye.


I guess it was somewhat illogical to not head home when you find out your place is possibly on fire, but its an apartment, not my house. If the kids had been home I would have broken every law known to man to get there to make sure they were safe and out of the building, but that wasn't the case. Sure I have stuff I would rather not lose in my apartment, but nothing that couldn't be replaced and nothing worth risking my life for if it was actually on fire. Besides, a cold beer sounded REALLY good.

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Got a warrant?

Sunday night I was at home waiting for my Ex to drop off the kids. She was running late after a long day in the Dells with the boys and some of their friends so like I normally do I turn on the outside lights and unlock the door so they can come in when they get there. Around 730 the doorbell rings and I yell out that its unlocked and to come on in. Nothing. So I head to the door to see if maybe it wasn't unlocked. It was, I open it and who stands there but a police officer.

Nothing like an unexpected visit from the cops late at night to send your mind into a panic. Was I being too loud? Did the guy I throat punched earlier for driving 15 in the 35mph zone file a complaint? Did something happen to my ex and the kids?

The officer asks if he can come in and so I let him in and he proceeds to explain that he is talking to all the people in the area because my neighboor's truck got hit while parked in the driveway. He asked if I knew anything about it or had heard anything. I asked him when.. and he said two days ago, sometime between 11pm and 8am. I explained that I am generally asleep or heading that way and that I don't really hear anything outside at that point even if I am awake.

Still standing there he finally asks if I have any damage to my vehicle. That he wants to check and make sure no other cars in the area got hit. Cmon now. How gullible do you think I am? You want to check for black paint on my car. See if I am dumb enought to hit my next door neighboors car and then not say anything and hide my car in the garage with black paint from her truck all over it.

You know you have watched too much CSI when the first thing that pops into your mind is "Do you have a warrant?" I am already picturing them collecting any suspicious scrapings off my car and analyzing them to see if they match the paint from her truck. I decided since I had nothing to hide and I really didn't want to come off as suspicious and uncooperative that I would let him check my car. He did, found nothing of course and went on his merry way.

Its a good thing he didn't check the shovel in the back of my car. Oh cmon now.. you didn't REALLY think I would get rid of my shovel did you? Sometimes you need that extra reach and it really handy for body disposal!

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I survived

Its been a busy crazy week since I last posted, but I know you are all relieved to know that I did indeed survive. We had a major upgrade project going on at work related to our SAN and disaster recovery plan. That meant we had a vendor working with us up here all week and thus limiting my time for things like keeping up on my blog.

At home, it was taking every ounce of self control to actually not follow through with my "must take him out" thoughts on the younger boy. I know he thinks I like to ground him, but I don't and let me explain why. It is FAR more punishment to myself and his brother than it is to him. His brother didn't get in trouble and neither did I, yet we are the ones truly suffering here.

When G has nothing to do, he entertains himself by annoying others. Im trying to watch a movie and he comes in every 5 minutes to either ask a pointless questions he already knows the answer to like "Can I have a 2nd dessert?" or wants to show me something he made out of his Kinnects or however you spell it. Maybe he wants me to get up and come out to the kitchen where he is working on a puzzle and insists on showing me how well he is doing...approximitely every 2% towards completion.

Tired of making the effort of walking down the hall to my room to drive me crazy he sits next to his brother and proceeds to do his best to annoy the living crap out of him. I know most you that read this are far too cultured to have seen the movie Dumb and Dumber, but there is a scene in there that sums up G's behavior when he is trying to be annoying to his brother.



Wait for the end .. with the noise. That is the kind of stuff he would do. If his other dreams of being a hobo and marrying a prostitue fall through, he could take up a career with the CIA extracting information from prisoners with non-physical torture methods. He knows that if his brother asks politely for him to stop doing something annoying, he is supposed to stop. Thats why G has developed a whole repertoire of annoying sounds and actions. Tapping, banging, whistling, humming and many others all perfected to be as maddening as possible.

At least he is annoying his brother now and not me right? I'm not so lucky. Not only are most of the noises loud enough that I can hear them in the other room, it doesn't take long for the Master to break his target. It's only a short time before B makes his way to me to complain about said annoyance which he has asked his brother to stop repeatedly. So now I have to stop my movie again to deal with that. And again 10 minutes later when G is now across the room doing something entirely different and not covered in the first discussion, but just as annoying and prompts B to come complain again.

Now I have to banish G to his room because he apparently cannot handle being around other humans when he is that bored and they are not bored along with him. So in his room he goes and turns on the local top40 station which plays mostly hip hop music and is loud enough to be thumping through my walls. Now I have to pause my movie again and get up to go into his room to make him turn it down because he can't hear me calling for him to turn it down as its too loud.

I came so close to breaking and letting him win. Telling him fine .. go play your computer so you will just calm the hell down and I don't have to inflict physical, reportable damage to your body.

Why oh why can't he do his one chore and not make life miserable for everyone? Why? Please someone tell me WHY?!? At least that week is over and he is off grounding and over at the ex's. Hopefully he is having a better week this week and I can try to forget this past week before he comes over again. If he is going to be like that every time he gets in trouble, maybe the teenage years where they hide out in their rooms and don't talk to anyone will be a welcome time. :P

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Had to put him down.

Well its official. The boy has to be put down. The younger one. At least I got a couple of years of labor out of him before he had to be ended. On one hand, I am going to miss out on the prime snow shoveling and lawn mowing years, but on the other hand, I am taking him out before he becomes a full fledged teenager.

As you know from my Tyrant posts, the boy and I have had some discussions lately. The last one ended with my expectations clear as they could possibly be. I made him repeat his responsibilities and consequences for failing to follow through with them several times. He knew that failing to do his chores.. and by chores I mean chore as he has only one .. would result in him getting a weeks grounding from all things electronic. TV, Computer, DS, Xbox. He KNEW what the consequences were going to be.

So.. Sunday night arrives and the boys come back to me for the week. The house was clean, all chores were done prior to them ariving so they both had clean starts for the week. Gabes 'chore' this week is filling up the water bottles and putting them in the fridge. Taxing I know. That is the kind of slavedriver tyrant I am.

Monday was G's skiing field trip for school, so we got him all set for the next day. Made sure he had his lunch ready and snow stuff out. Since he was skiing that day, he had no homework. Therefore when he got home, he had only one thing to do before he was free to do whatever he wanted. There were 3 water bottles to fill. Yes.. 3. He sends me a text at work and asks me if he could play on my WoW account. I responded that he could 'as long as all his stuff was done'. He said OK.

Fast forward 2 hours to me getting home. Late even as I was stuck at work with a vendor later than I normally leave. I walk in the door .. and there is G frantically trying to fill the 3rd water bottle. /sigh. I just looked at him as I took off my coat and put my stuff away.

Me: So you didn't take the 30 seconds to do your chore even though I reminded you via txt when you asked if you could play?

G: No.

Me: Why?

G: Because I was being lazy.

Me: Well at least you are being honest. You know what this means right?

G: *hangs his head* Im grounded for a week.

Me: As long as you know. You didn't even make it 24 hours. I don't know why you did this too yourself. You wouldn't take 30 seconds to do that so you could have a normal week?

G: *silence*


I didn't get upset. Didn't shout or yell. I just thought over how rediculous his actions were and thought back to the line from Bill Cosby 'Himself' where he says that as a dad he can say "I brought you into this world.. I'll take you back out" I decided it was time. The boy had to go. The idiocy of the situation was just too much for me to handle. He had a good run though. Almost 11 and 1/2.

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Putting away the shovel.

I have come to realize that it may not be the best of ideas to harbor a secret desire to hit stupid annoying people in the face with a shovel. I suppose it would be a bit out of line to be walking down the street with a shovel strapped to my back like a samuari sword looking to dole out my own personal brand of justice. Thus, I am retiring the shovel. I shall no longer wish to feel the jarring vibrations that travel up the handle as the metal maked contact with the skull.

I know what you are thinking though. What about all those people that REALLY do need to be hit in the face with a shovel. Snaggletooth for example. Or Amy Winehouse. Or The guy who was doing 32mph this morning on Hwy 12 when the speed limit is 55. Or anyone involved with putting out a Rascall Flats album. Who is going to take care of those people? How are they going to learn if they don't get a shovel to the face to wake them up?

The answer to this question is quite simple. A throat punch. From now on it will be a throat punch instead of the shovel. Why a throat punch you might ask? It looks cool as hell for one and more importantly, its stealth. I started to think about it and while most of the people who are retarded enough to need a shovel to the face aren't smart enough to see it coming even if I walked right at them with one, there are limitations. Shovels are cumbersome. You can't get one through airport security, so how are you going to handle annoying people while traveling? People look at you funny when you stroll down the street with a big shovel strapped to your back chanting "There can be only one!"

My brother and I went to see 'Taken' with Liam Neeson this weekend. That was pretty much his favorite move throughout the movie when he was fighting people that pissed him off. I started to think about the beauty of the throat punch. You use your hands, so no implements of destruction needed. It's stealthy .. you can just walk right up to someone and then BAM! Throat punch! They don't even know its coming. It also silences them, which when dealing with people like Rascall Flats is very important. You don't want them to start up a song which is their way of fighting back. Few people can withstand the aural assault that is a RF tune. I figure with the throat punch you could probably get the whole band at once. You get the first two before they even realize whats going on and then you pick the others off one by one while they are scrambling for their washboards, jugs and fiddles to try and start up a song as a counter offensive. It would be a beautiful thing.

I was going to make a list of all things that annoy me and need a throat punch, but I figured it would be easier just to show this clip. Let's not forget Hugh Jackman!

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