Trauma in the bathroom...

If you read yesterday's post, you will know some of the crazy happenings at the bar we were at. The story I left out originally I will share today. I didn't want to bring up any recurring mental trauma for my girlfriend until I made sure it was ok with her. I mean from my point of view.. it was amusing, but I know had I gone into the men's room and encountered a similar situation.. I may have just insisted it was time to go home.

So my GF excuses herself to go use the restroom and when she returns a few minutes later she has this kinda freaked out, deer-in-the-headlights kind of look on her face. I was concerned.. thought maybe she got sick or something so I asked what was wrong. She proceeds to tell me something along these lines:

"I went to use the restroom and there was this chick was in there .. naked other than the midriff shirt she was wearing (with no bra mind you). That was wierd enough, but then she asked for my help..."

Well now I am intrigued. Apparently it was hot enough that the woman in question had borrowed scissors from the bartender and was trying to turn her jeans into way too short cutoffs.. you know the kind that leave most of the ass hanging and lets you know right away if she grooms that area. I am not entirely sure if she needed help because it was a job that needed more than two hands or because she was to drunk to safely use scissors.. but there she was, mostly naked in a bathroom in a dive bar, trying to modify her clothing.

I had to know who she was talking about now .. and so she pointed out who it was. I shuddered.. and realized why the experience was so traumatizing. It was one of the friends of the pteradactyl-sharpei faced lady .. and she was just as old and trashy-sluty. I could tell by the look on my GF's face that the "peach" was past its prime and not something to be admired but was more along the lines of:



Did I mention that this fine piece of work was also the chick who later on decided to ass-buff the mirror and then display her sweet dance moves with SBSC? Oh yes, it was disturbing all around .. but at least now she had shorty-shorts that she was wearing commando along with her braless half shirt. In the right circumstances, on the right person, that outfit could have been hot instead of nauseating as it was that night. Know your limitations people. It's like the guy at the beach with enough body hair to closely resemble a sasquatch but still rocking the banana hammock. No one wants to see that. Just because you are a female and most guys want to see every T&A they can, we have our standards too. If you are 55, trashy and nasty wrinkled from way too many days tanning like a rotisserie chicken.. keep it covered mmmmmmkay?

This reminds me of another story with clothing impaired super drunk individuals. My Ex and I had gone up to a small town on the shore of lake Michigan to go fishing with some friends of ours. The first night we got up there, the weather was too bad to put the boat in the water, so we got setup at our camp site and then went back into town to get some dinner and have a few drinks as the local bar. It was busy and loud, but there was one louder than the rest.. always shouting for another shot of PATRON! He was quite drunk when we got to the bar around 730 or so. He was doing shots of tequila the whole time we were there.. and was ordering another around 1130 when we left the bar.

Fast forward to the next morning. We were waiting to borrow a truck to put the boat in the water and so we went back to the bar around 1100 in the morning to meet the people with the truck. We had an hour to kill so we went in and were hanging out. Much to my surprise.. Patron, as I have come to call him, is there again.. or still there? I don't know, but either way, he is there and still ordering shots of Patron. At this point, he is just staggering drunk.. no shirt on. No shoes on. No belt on his pants which were too lose and I'm not sure if he started the night commando or lost his underwear somewhere along the way, but he was sans undergarmets at this point. So yeah, he was basically naked other than a pair of jeans that were too loose and falling off him.

Patron notices us sitting there and decides he needs to have a conversation. For whatever reason, he decided he needed to tell us a story about how he went to a nude beach when he took a trip to the carribean. He proceeded to tell us how awful the experience was because there was no hot drunk chicks, instead it was all old ugly ladies. Now I couldn't make up what he said next and some of you might just want to skip down. You have been warned..

Patron said "It was so gross.. these chicks were so old their lips were all streched out (indicating to his crotch at this point). So when they walked they flapped against each other and I swear I could hear them kind of clapping."

At this point he actually demonstrated..he put his wrists together at crotch level and proceeded to clap while doing some wierd crab like walk. Yes.. it was quite disturbing. But he finished his story, adjusted his "unit" again and then hiked up his pants again to head back to the bar for another shot. I was hoping we were done with him at this point and that the truck guy would be there soon. I was not so lucky.

For those of you who know me, you know I lack hair on my head. This was prompted by nature, but is mostly by my choice. Anyway, Patron for whatever strange reason wanders back over to the table, looks at me and says something along the lines of "Dude, can I touch your head?" I politely refused. Not only does this guy have more alchohol than blood in his body right now, he is rocking the commando look and has been touching his junk non-stop with said hands. I doubt this guy made any really wise choices in regards to partners in the last day or two and all I could think about was "Can you get an STD on your head?" I wasn't taking a chance.

Patron was upset that I would not grant his request.. he kept asking. I kept declining. Finally in a desperate move he tried to bargain. He said "I will let you punch me dead in the face if I can just touch your head once" Again, I had to repsectfully decline his generous offer as I didn't want my skin to touch his even to punch him in the face. Eventually he gave up when he decided he needed another shot and found someone at the bar to latch on to.

Remember one thing people.. if you choose to get THAT drunk.. do it at home or make sure you have a semi-sober friend that will keep you from making the BIG mistakes. And really.. wear some underwear. Guys commando is never cool.. and the chafing.. oh the chafing. Girls without panties.. well that can be sexy in very specific circumstances, but again.. know your limitations!