Ummm.. what?

If you have never listened to anything from Lewis Black, go to youtube.com and search for some of his videos. The guy is incredibly funny. The reason I bring him up today is that he makes this sound .. I am not even sure I can describe it. It's this vigorous shaking of his head side to side so that his jowls shake and he makes this noise of disbelief while doing it. Check out this video .. about 2:11 in for an example of what I am talking about. Its a rediculous noise .. but its perfect for the title of this entry and the experience I'm going to describe.

Fridays are quiet at the gym. I guess everyone is just ready to go home and start the weekend early, so they skip on Fridays. That makes it quiet in there and I get my pick of machines to use. The elliptical I like is right up front by the TVs so I get to watch whatever is on while I do my cardio and listen to music. The powers that be decided to remove the headphone jacks off the machines that allowed you listen to the sound from the TV programs and instead made it all based off radio frequencies. Not so cool for those of us who are still gimping along with one of the original MP3 players. Im talking an atari like relic .. 128MB flash memory, no video, radio tuner or anything like that. Drains batteries fast, sounds crappy, but hey, it works and its better than listening to the 50's station they seem to have on in the afternoon there.

Anyway, I get to watch the TV.. not listen, therefore any program where there are not subtitles or closed captioning is kind of pointless. That pretty much left me with CNN. Not all of CNN mind you, mainly the ticker that runs along the bottom. There I am .. cruising through my workout, enjoying my music and reading various headlines that come along. What comes across the screen next damn near made me fall off my elliptical in utter shock. Let me tell you, there is nothing quite as smooth as falling off one of those things looking like you have been drinking heavily. Not how I want to be known around the gym. Hey.. look.. its that drunk spaz that fell off the machine last week!

Now CNN is supposed to be a smart channel. Maybe they were just reporting this retarded crap given to them, but COME ON. Here is the jist of what comes across the screen. There is a big picture of Alan Greenspan. This guy is supposed to be the Master of the Universe when it comes to the US and Economics. Hell his wikipedia page even says "Greenspan was famous for his ability to give technical and confusing speeches." Technical and confusing indeed. What the ticker scrolling along the bottom said was something to the effect of "Greenspan announces that there is a 50% chance economy will see a recession." Do it with me now. Shake your head hard from side to side and make a loud noise of disbelief. Bwwawwawwawawhuh? There is a 50% chance? Ummm.. what? I could have told you there was a 50% chance of a recession. Hell a blind, deaf, semi retarded penguin stuck somewhere in antatica could have given you that prediction.

How on earth is everyone okay with this statement? How the hell are the morons at CNN willing to repeat this story as a major headline? This is a guy with a PhD in economics. This is a guy that went back to school after getting that PhD for more advanced studies in economics. Greenspan is supposed to be so detailed and analytical that he is confusing to understand. I'm pretty sure I followed his statement that its a 50/50 chance of happening. What he should do is go into astrology really. This statement was more vague than any of the horoscope crap circulating around today.

I'm pretty sure Greenspan is dead at this time. You know how on some radio shows during football season they will have all their personalities do predictions for the week and compare scores? That wasn't interesting enough so now they always add something very random and supposedly comical. Like a monkey. They will have a local zoo give put up a list of the teams playing for the week and then let the monkey throw shit at it and wherever it sticks, thats the monkey's prediction for the week. What's funny is sometimes the monkey beats the humans who analyze the games with all their worldly knowledge. I think the same thing is going on here. Greenspan must be dead and there are a couple of people making him move around like in that movie Weekend at Bernies and they have a monkey in the back somewhere throwing shit at a financial pie chart to try and get a grasp on the economy.

I used to think the easiest job in the world was a weatherman in Phoenix, Arizona. You could take an almanac with you and just phone that report in from somewhere comfortable to live. "Yep, today.. its going to be hot. Lots of sun. High of 147 give or take 3 degrees. You are going to want a lotion with SPF 350 to be able to go outside today. Tonights low will be 146. Have a good day and I'll see you tomorrow." Then the weatherman goes back to sipping cocktails on the beach in Hawaii where its a sunny 75. I stand corrected now. I think an even easier job would be to just run around Washington DC announcing that there is a 50/50 chance of something happening.

Look, if that is the best you can do, lie to us a bit. Oh I know.. you are all shocked that I just said the government should lie to us. Hear me out. The economy is fueled largely by the american population's confidence in said economy. If people are comfortable and happy and think things are going to continue to stay good or even improve a bit, they spend their money and stimulate the economy. If people are afraid that things are taking a turn for the worse, then they stop spending, they are cautious with everything and it becomes somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy. I am no economics major. I don't have a PhD in this stuff, its just pretty basic knowledge. So tell me this. If you were so unsure that the best you could give the people of this country was a 50/50 chance, why not make it 52/48 in favor of no recession? Give us that tiny bit of hope and maybe it will help the situation.

Right now, I am so dumbfounded by this rediculous statement that I can't spend any money, so way to go.. you have stalled the economy anyway. I have to sit around and ponder how the world richest country can't afford to get people that can read this stuff before it goes out and just turn to whoever turned it in for approval and say "What the hell is this?" You might as well parade a clown out there on stage with the White House logo in the background and be honest. If you want the government to tell you the truth, then get the whole truth. The clown should have a prepared statement like:

"We are sorry to report that Greenspan has actually been dead for a decade now and while we had a good monkey for a while, he has also passed on and the new monkey that is throwing the poo at the financial charts really has bad aim and isn't really even hitting the chart so we have no clue whats going on. Thus we are going to just issue random statements and most of them will just be that something might or might not happen. We just don't know. You should probably find a good news show with smart financial analysts and see if they have anything intelligent to say on the matter because we here at the Federal Reserve Board just have no clue. Thank you. I am not going to field any questions from the media at this time, but I WILL be making balloon animals in the back of the room for anyone intrested!"

Seriously people, how is this kind of crap on CNN? The clown or a monkey would at least have had some entertainment value to go along with the statement. Give us something for all our tax dollars hard at work.