So THIS is hell...

Many people will tell you that my previous estimation of what hell must be like was an Arizona summer. I must announce now that Arizona is off the hook for yesterday I truly experienced what hell must be like. Don't cry AZ .. your summers are still a very close second.

I like to change up the music I listen to on the way home in the car and on my MP3 player at the gym pretty often. I'm constantly burning new mixes to CD and putting new tunes on my player. Yesterday was no exception. I had gotten a hold of some new Sevendust songs I wanted to listen to at the gym along with Alter Bridge and Mudvayne tunes that are great for the gym. So I bring my MP3 player into work to get the new music on there. Remember me describing my MP3 player in a previous post? It sucks.. its old and very much a pain in the ass. I put new music on it at work because it will often take an hour and several reformats of the flash memory to get it to take new songs again. Yesterday it only crashed the app once and I didn't have to reformat it. It was a good day. Or so I thought.

I loaded up all my new gym worthy music. Loud, driving songs to keep things moving and motivated for the workout. Determined by Mudvayne is probably my favorite workout songs right now. Listen to it and you'll see why its great for the gym. You can find it here, but its not safe for work, children, the elderly or anyone who listens to Rascall Flats.

Anyway, all loaded with new music I was looking forward to listening to at the gym that afternoon, I put the MP3 player on the side of my desk. I go about my business for the rest of the day and when its time to go, I walk right by the damn thing and manage to leave without it. I don't realize this until I am already changed for my workout and am scrounging in my gym back to find it. Not happy. But I was there.. dressed for the gym.. might as well get a workout in. It couldn't be that bad. They always have music on in the gym and there are the TVs to watch even if I can't hear the sound have sound.

Apparently when it was discovered that I had left my MP3 player at work, Satan himself, still bitter over his brutal ass kicking in Guitar Hero 3, worked his magic and tranformed my gym into a Curves in Sun City. Curves for those of you that don't know is a women only gym chain and Sun City is a 55 and older retirment community in Arizona. See the picture forming? I get out to my elliptical as it was a cardio only day for me and I look around. It was all old people. No hotties on the tredmills or ellipticals. At this time, the radio is on commercial, so I had high hopes that it was on the local hard rock station like it normally is. As the commercials end however, I was much dismayed to hear the call sign for the radio station announced. Magic 98. Oh yes, its pretty much as lame as it sounds. Its contemporary easy listening music. Sonuva....

Ok.. ignore the music. Watch the TV with no sound.. get through your workout and get out of there before a hole opens in the wall and demons come pouring out. I start my cardio.. glance up at the 4 TVs and what do I find? Sports Center? CNN? Oh no. Not today. Some crappy WB show like 'Gilmore Girls' or something equally horrible is on the far one that I couldn't really see at my angle. The 3 I can see are showing these shows from left to right. Oprah. Ellen. Oprah. Yes, Oprah was on 2 TVs because apparently one is not enough to contain the excitement that is the Oprah show. There is no sound so a talk show is really kind of pointless when there is no closed captioning and you can't hear it. Oprahs title said the show was something about vegans or some such hippie crap anyway so I guess I'm grateful I couldn't hear that one.

So Oprahs out. That leaves me listening to Magic 98 which is currently pumping a stirring playlist consisting of Celine Dion as a follow up to Lionel Richie and making up my own dialog to the Ellen show. The only redeeming thing about the Ellen show I found is that she has the worst case of White Girl Syndrome I have ever seen, but apparently no one has told her. Don't believe me.. check out this clip:



Honestly.. that example wasn't even as bad as yesterdays episode. Apparently there is a zoo somewhere that has a posh enclosure for their gorillas. This zoo decided the gorillas were deprived and thus needed a big screen TV. So behind a plexiglass window in their enclosure is a big screen TV.. I'm guessing about a 60 incher. First off.. WTF is that. That zoo better not be in my state because if my tax dollars are going to buy big screens for gorillas, I'm going down to the state capitol building after work to bitch slap whoever allowed that to happen. I don't even have a big screen so it irritates me that a monkey has one.

But I digress. The whole point of bringing up the gorilla TV thing was that they apparently show Ellen on this TV. As if its not bad enough the gorilla is stuck in a cage with people staring at him all day, they have to test his breaking point by playing Ellen on the TV too. So here is this big gorilla sitting, apparently with a copy of Ellens book (at least thats what I assume it was) watching the Ellen show. Well whenver she launched into one of her spastic dance routines on the TV, the gorilla got agitated. Whenever she was sitting there talking to her guests, he would tear out and eat pages of the book.

They showed that clip of the gorilla on yesterdays show. Now Ellen, apparently fascinated by the gorilla, is now testing to see if she can get him to go into a true fit of rage and possibly maul the next zookeeper that comes into his area. She gets down out of her chair.. carrying a copy of the book and starts tearing pages out of and eating them while lumbering around and doing her best to imitate an agitated gorilla. Suprisingly, this is really not much different from her normal dance routines other than she is eating pages from a book at the same time. She is crouched and swaying like a drunken frog. I can't hear the sound, but I can only assume she was grunting and making her best gorilla noises around the wad of tasty paper in her mouth.

At this point, I have actually forgotten about the music playing as I watch in stunned silence like a deer caught in headlights. I don't want to watch .. but I can't look away. This whole monkey dance routine continues for about 2 minutes. My only hope is that at the posh zoos everywhere there are gorillas in revolt and flinging their big piles of gorilla shit all over the plexiglass to try and cover the crime on humanity that is the Ellen show.

The routine ends .. and Ellen brings out some oversize T-shirt that someone made up that has a life-size picture of her head on the front and on the back says something like "I'm Ape for Ellen" She shows the audience both sides and puts it on her little table. Her guest comes out now and I have no idea who it was, but she was actually pretty hot. Of course Cathy Bates might look hot next to that cave dwelling troll Ellen. This woman is also dressed perfectly.. providing you want to stand very still and not breathe. Seriously, if she sneezed the skirt she had on would have been a belt. Since I can't hear the sound of the show, at least I can enjoy the view right? Nay nay friends. Apparently when she tried to sit in this thing, Ellen was embarrased or the network was. The guest stood back up and they all pondered the dilemma. Ok fine, I have no idea what they were discussing, so I get to make up my own version of the story. Back off.

What solution could they come up with for this problem? The t-shirt! As the guest trys to lower herslef back into the chair without giving the camera a Britney like crotch shot, Ellen dives into action, grabs the t-shirt and promplty covers her entire lower region with this shirt. Now I can clearly read "Ape for Ellen" on the t-shirt. Remember what was on the other side? Yes, that means Ellen's face was in this womans crotch now. Apparently this little slip was noticed by someone on the show because it was promptly flipped over. I am pretty sure I saw Ellen wink at the guest and make that little thumb / pinky phone symbol for "call me" when the camera was panning away. So was the face down thing a subtle pickup line from Ellen or a true accident? You decide.

Now my irritation has set back in. Ellen is no longer performing like a monkey for my amusement and she has covered up the hot chick with a crappy t-shirt with her own face on it. Now there is not just one hideous rampaging flesh ripper staring at the camera but two! Lucky us America. Its time to Celllllabraaate Goood Times.. Cmon. Yes, that was the song playing on the cutting edge sation that is Magic 98. /sigh

I cut my cardio short at 25 minutes because frankly I was concerned for my safety. After I had experienced in the gym that day, I felt it was prudent for me to get out of there before that whole in the wall did indeed open and hells minions came pouring out to destroy us all. Of course it might have been a welcome relief at that point. If the gym yesterday wasn't actually hell itself, we must have been right next door.

At least this experience has a life lesson. Never go to the gym without your MP3 player. I think there is also a warning in there. Know your dancing limitations. Ellen should really at least drink heavily on the show so that she would have an excuse for flopping about the stage like a big fish taken out of water and tossed down to die. If she were drunk we would all strain to remember times when we too were drunk and trying to dance. Then we would all smile and yell 'You go girl!' in encouragement as she incited nationwide gorilla riots. Actually nevermind. If I ever utter the phrase 'You go girl", run away.. as fast as you can because my mind is being controlled by some evil valley girl whose true intentions must be to destroy the world.

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Hate Hate Hate.. Double Hate! Loathe Entirely!

There is a movie reference there in the title in case you missed it. The movie reference was brought to you today by the Canon corporation the letters "F" and "U". I'm not even sure that the above quote satisfies my overwhelming anger at the people responsible for the atrocity that is the Canon printer driver installer. Let me explain.

One of the departments here decided they needed to replace their all-in-one printer/fax/scanner dealy. So without contacting the IT department... again.. they pick one and have someone come into install it. The first we hear of anything regarding this unit being on our network is when they are waiting for an IP to put into the thing. Somehow this vendor just switches a network cable .. prints some kind of test page and then bolts saying it was working. As you have probably guessed. It was most definitely NOT working.

So.. instead of enjoying a nice quiet day, I spend the better part of 8 hours trying to get the drivers installed on the server side of things and make it function properly. After multiple calls with the vendor and Canon, they say the only way to fix the error I was getting was to download their 40MB installer package and run that. Big mistake. We are talking like Brittney's sister Jamie and her big surprise at age 16 level mistake. This installer package found all the other working canon printers that were installed on the server and decided they needed to be updated to. Before it updates them though.. it decides it would be a better idea to delete them and start fresh. So, unable to stop this thing now that its started its automated process, the program proceeds to delete all of the working printers. Then on the reinstall process of said printers, it errors out and bam.. they are all gone.

After a reboot, the new printer is now working. I was quite frankly shocked to see that was the case. So I decide I'll just reinstall the deleted ones manually and we shoudl be good finally. The server however laughed and said "Nay, nay good sir. You are pooched." I tried to reinstall only to find out that all 7 printers it had deleted were now having the same error that the new one was before this installer "fixed" things. So I went from one non-working printer to 7 and right back to where I started only with 7 times the amount of people pissed off. All the vendor has to say is "Well it should work" You know what else should work? An angry porcupine shoved in a sack and attached to your genital region Mr. ItShouldWorkVendorGuy.

Stupid people bother me. Always have. Salespeople who sell uneeded crap to those who are just too chalk full of stupid to know any better really just piss me off. I imagine the salesperson had a conversation with the staff down there that went something like this:

SP: You really need to get rid of this model since its a year old. Nevermind that it has been working fine that whole time and still does what you need.

Staff: You know you are probably right. We have money we don't know what to do with it. Can I get the new one in hot pink? How about neon undercarrige lights?

SP: Not only can I get you those much needed options, how would you like it if you could do karaoke on the copier too? Its a pretty popular function for those deparments with plenty of both time and money to waste.

**At this point they all break out into song "I got the green glow under my copier. Its got the boom boom system you can hear it far"**

Staff: No wayyyy! We love karaoke down here. We definitely want that. In fact charge us double for it because we like it so much. But one request.

SP: Yes?

Staff: Can you get it here and install it before the IT guys get wind of it? They are not going to like it.

SP: Of course I can. I really only show up randomly at locations when I feel like it anyway, so that works for me. Tell you what. I will also throw in a craptastic drive that will hose their server and take many hours to fix. That way you guys can enjoy your karaoke without them bothering you. Thats free of charge by the way because I like you guys so much.

Staff: Wow. You are just the coolest. Where do I sign?


Sadly enough, while the options are of course exaggerated, the mentality is spot on. Too much budget money they don't know what to do with and an overwhelming desire to buy the flashiest and pointless options they don't need. Then they toss it in and we are expected to make it work. Oh the rage that builds up. If I were a postal worker and not the calm, mild mannered person that I am, the bodies would be hitting the floor. But now to play some Jack Johnson and relax again. Banana Pancakes for the win!

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Damn the XM

First off, let me just say that I love my XM sattelite radio. With close to 2 hours spent on the road to and from work every day, it makes the drive bearable. I listen to the comedy station at 150 most of the time, but I often listen to channel 48 which is called Squizz. They play new and old rock, alternative, and metal. They also play more than the one popular single off an album and there are no commercials.

So this morning I am listening on the way into work and low and behold a song I haven't heard from one of my favorite bands comes on. It called 'Prodigal Son' by the band Sevendust. If you haven't heard of them, I weep for you. They are amazing. I know they are going to be too loud and 'angry' for some of you that read this blog, but I encourage you to at least give them a listen. They are not just a thrash band. They have a very solid, thick sound, but its not just noise like some rock/metal bands. The lead singer has an amazing voice as well. The whole thing just works for me and I have loved their music for a long time now. You can check out their myspace page and hear some of the new tracks here. The first one that loads should be the song 'Prodigal Son' that I am referring to here.

Anyway, as I often do in the car, I will listen to new music and then when I get to work, I set out to find the songs I like to download. This was my goal this morning. After searching through all my normal sources to find 'Prodigal Son', I came up blank. What is going on here? So I went myself to their myspace page only to find out that the album isn't even out yet. In fact it will be over a month yet before it comes out. Damn you XM.. damn you. Play a killer new song, get me hooked and don't even bother to tell me that the album isn't even available yet. Poor form Sir, poor form.

But never fear. Someone had posted a youtube video of it! Which may not seem like a solution to the problem, but there is a little utlity that will rip the audio from a youtube video and turn it into an mp3. God bless the internet. You can find that utility here if you are interested.

Now I know some of you are ignoring my suggestion to listen to Sevendust and are bebopping along to Rascall Flats. It's not to late to save yourself. To be perfectly honest, I would rather be violated with a rusty garden weasel than have to listen to a band like Rascal Flats. Never has there been a more contemptable bunch of wanabee hacks that do nothing more than destroy perfectly good songs with their shitty covers. Case in point, go listen to Tom Cochrane's song 'Life is a Highway'. Its a great song. Then, if you dare, listen to the tragedy that is the version Rascall Flats did. Or better yet, run head first into a brick wall repeatedly until you are bleeding out your ears. The experience is quite the same and at least with beating your head, you will not have that shitty version of the song stuck in your head.

Now don't get me wrong. There are a lot of bad bands out there. Not all of them are country bands either. Most, but not all. :P The difference is most of the other bad bands don't make their fame and fortune off of destroying music that didn't need to be fixed in the first place. Oh, and before all you RF lovers post scathing replies to this post, remember something. This is the internet. Therefore, I am right no matter what facts you are going to try to spill about how many awards they have won or how many songs they have that aren't covers. I don't care. They still suck. I would tell you how much they suck, but there has not been an order of magnitude labled yet that can encompass their whole of their suck. If there was an infinite black hole of talentless suck, it would be inhabited by Rascall Flats, Hanson, Hayden Christensen, Jar Jar Binks, and Kirsten Dunst. Hmm.. if Kirsten hooks up with the members of Rascall Flats and Jar Jar, they could have a family of little 3 headed, water breathing, troll-like babies that can neither sing, play instruments or act. Those kids could then make a journey on an asteroid to land on earth and ruin the next Spiderman movie just like Dunst and that hack Tobey Maguire or whatever his name is ruined the first 3. Seriously. With the budget those movies had, those were the two best choices for the leading roles? I would rather watch Shak in Shazzam again than watch the Spiderman movies.

Everytime I see her on screen, I want to hit it with a shovel until it stops moving. You don't want something like that running around loose. Its like seeing a spider in your house and not killing it. If you don't kill the spider, how do you know it won't crawl into your room at night and into your ear to eat your brain? The only thing worse than a spider crawling up on your bed and into your ear would be to have Kirsten Dunst crawl up into your bed. Its the stuff nightmares are made of. I would rather take a bath in a tub filled with pirahna after marinating myself in raw meat than encounter Kirsten Dunst in the darkness. Someone please, kill it so I can sleep soundly at night. God knows I don't want to end up like the last person to see her in the dark:

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Just wierd.

We are currently very short handed at work. Still. For months now we have been missing 3 of 7 system technicians. Various people have left or taken different positions within the department. With the environment we are in and the need to cover 6am-Midnight 7 days a week, they are stretched quite thin. So, last week and this week we have been interviewing to fill these positions. We do a 3 person panel interview and I was one of those panel members. Most of the interviews were pretty standard fare with some decent candidates and some woefully underqualified. The technical portion of the interview has some very basic computer / network troubleshooting questions. One person that came in for an interview had an exchange with us like this:

Us: How comfortable would you say you are with Active Directory.
Applicant: Active Directory? What is that? Can you rephrase the question?
Us: How comfortable are you with printers?
Applicant: Oh, I print all the time. Im comfortable with them.
Us: We are asking more about how comfortable you are troubleshooting, maintaining and repairing them.
Applicant: Well I could probably get out a paper jam or something.

Mind you, those were two of her better answers. Now I fully support people going after jobs that are maybe just outside their area of expertise to keep challenging themselves, but if this individual was an employeed of another department here, they would be the one calling up to unlock their password 4 times in a single day because they couldn't handle changing and/or remembering it. Thats a lot of nerve to apply for a position with the sole responsibility of helping and supporting people that are just as bad on computers as you are. Thats like asking your neighboors mildy retarded dachsund to take your mastiff for a walk. Not only is a dog not qualified to walk another dog, but because of the size difference you know the dachsund is scared. And dogs can smell fear. So what you end up with is the mastiff running around the block with a dachsund dangling from his collar, bouncing on the ground periodically. While comical and I suppose does in some kind of way get the job done, its far from what you are looking for to fill the position.

Let me toss out a bit of advice for those of you doing interviews these days. If you are applying for a technical job and have zero technical experience, education or even basic technical aptitude that might imply that you could at least be taught, you need to be smoking hot. In the IT world, there are generally very few women .. and the number of those women that could be labled as hot are fewer and far between. Let me say that if you come in looking like this, I would hire you on the spot just to brighten the workplace. Department moral is important people!



One of the other candidates came in.. and brought props. Yes, props. When talking about skills they possesed, this individual brought out network cables, laptop hard drives, and a laptop itself. We managed to stop him before he brought out a cable tester too. This applicant is actually one of the best we have seen thus far personality wise and skill wise, but I am still just speechless about the props thing. I suppose people will say that he accomplished his point which was to get his name to stick out among the applicants, but still... was an odd experience. I think for my next interview I'm going to have a TV setup with an Xbox 360 so I can demo my mad Guitar Hero skills. That is bound to impress and make me stand out right? Oh Yeah! Did you see me beat Satan in a guitar duel there? Anyone can change passwords in AD, but not everyone can destroy Satan with a rippin version of 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'!

That candidate was a bit odd, but like I said, was a very nice guy and knew his stuff. The wierdness I refer to in my title came from an earlier interview. The person that came in for the interview was pretty close to my grandfathers age. Now I have zero problem interviewing someone older than me, but this age gap was not 10 or 20 years even.. we are talking more like 40. That in itself was a bit strange, but that was to be the most normal part of the whole thing. Basically the entire inteview boiled down to a sad story of an old man. He had relatively little as far as computer related skills and basically said that if he had his way he would be eeking life out on his social security and military pension but that he had lots of bills from an illness in the family and that his wife both wanted him out of the house and wanted him to have a paycheck coming in. I feel for the guy, really, I do. As bad as I felt however, going for the pity routine in an interview for a technical position that has to be relied on to be able to handle troubleshooting and maintaining a 400+ computer network solo in the evenings and on weekends, is NOT the way to get a job. This poor guy should have been at home taking 3 hours to read the morning paper with his dog Jethro out on the front porch. What truly makes me a horrible person however, is that all I could think about was asking him to repeat the line "Welcome to Wal-mart!" to try it on for size. Yes, I know.. going straight to hell for that one! But I figure Hell can't be any worse than an Arizona summer.. so bring it on. Actually I am not going to hell anyway. Satan couldn't handle the shame of me walking around down there knowing full well I kicked his ass in Guitar Hero 3!

One other applicant worked for the company I do previously. She was fired for attendance problems. On the morning of her interview to be rehired at the place she was fired from for said attendance issues, she calls and asks to reschedule the interview from the original time because she was going to be late. Then at the rescheduled time, sits in the interview and has the gaul... the unbridled audacity even, to give herself a 9/10 on both reliability amd dependability. At least the old guy was honest.

Well I guess in the end, the advantage of doing interviews is that I know what not to do when I am on the other side of the table. It just floors me the amount of people that don't have the basic common sense to hit the main points. Like show up early for your interview. Know what position you are applying for. Be at least able to pronounce the terms for the field you are wishing to work in. Oh, and for the love of all that is holy and sacred .. don't misinterpret the job description you are given to read and say "It looks like I will be your supervisor from what this is saying!" Oh, you are supervisor material all right. The local porta-potty company needs someone to "supervise" the pumping and cleaning and I will be happy to make you a reccomendation based on the strength of your resume and commanding presense! Best of luck to you in your new career and don't let anyone give you any CRAP. Get it? If you don't get the humor in that, you are dead to me.

Out of this round of interviews we are hoping for a couple of good candidates that don't turn out to be closet serial killers. You laugh, but one of the techs that left recently we are pretty sure has a woman trapped in a pit somewhere in his basement and goes home after a long day to work on his woman suit made from human skin. This is a guy that in the middle of a work potluck lunch somehow got on the topic of embalming and proceeded to whiteboard how the whole procedure works. He also like things that cut. I'm talking you could open his top desk drawer and see no less than 20 box cutters in there. All perfectly arranged. We used to screw with his head by putting the B&D cordless drill in the spot for the Panasonic. It would enrage him. This is a guy that spent two hours swapping keyboards and monitors in the server room so that they would all match.. color wise. Oh yeah, this guy was chock full of issues. But you had to be nice. You wouldn't want to be walking to your car one night after work and get pulled into a van and turned into a lampshade or something. I am not sure what he is up to these days, but I heard he was applying for a position with the Post Office. Ok, ok. I didn't actually hear that, but it seems right up his alley.

I should actually thank all these people. Every time I think I am strange and out there, these people give me a reality check and remind me that I am the normal one. The rest of the world is wierd. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

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Agent ... Agent.... AGENT YOU STUPID POS!

Sorry, just prepping for a call into Charter's tech support today. My modem has started having minor packet loss. I'll be playing along and listening to music through ventrilo and periodically I'll get a 5 second lag spike where I can't talk on vent, my music gets interrupted and my game lags. Now I know its the internet and its not going to be perfect 100% of the time, but what was a once in a long while kind of thing that everyone experiences, has turned into a once every 20 minutes or so thing and is extremely annoying.

So today when I get home, I get the pleasure of calling their tech support. After listening to menus and pushing about 47 keys, you get to tech support. An automated system immediately picks up and informs you that all technicians are busy, but she (the computer voice response system) would be glad to help you troubleshoot and assures you that it can help you find the problem right now so you don't have to wait. The really annoying thing with this is that there is no option to skip past it. It doesn't ask you if you want to go through the stuff with the troubleshooter or wait for a technician. It just launches and starts asking you questions which you need to respond to in a clear slow voice for it to understand, or it stalls. I went through it all once. Never again. Not only did it not solve the problem, its complete bullshit.

The first time I called with problems, I went through the prompts. As it was my modem having a problem, I was by the computer on my cell phone talking to them. As I'm going through the prompts, the computer announces that it needs to look up my acount and then check the modem for any problems. Literally 2 seconds later it says "Ok, done." and starts asking more questions like the brand of modem I have etc. W. T. F. Do you seriously think I'm that stupid? How did you look up my account even? I have neither punched in or spoken my name, address, phone number, account number or anything else at this point. They can't be doing a lookup on the phone number because I am on my cell and that number is not in their system. Not to mention that when I am talking to a live technician, it takes several minutes to look up the modem's MAC address and then connect to it and check the logs, signal strength etc. So super computer has somehow through the powers of voodoo not only determined who I am, where I am located, what my modems MAC address is, but also somehow connected, analyzed it and determined its ok? All in 2 seconds? I call shennanigans. The next question out of the system is then "what is the brand on your modem?" If you just connected and looked at it, you would know that already.

So.. after listening to this crap for like 25 minutes.. rebooting various things to no avail, it still wasn't working and I had to get transferred. To who? And AGENT. Haha! I have you now system. Next time I called in, instead of doing anything it asked, I just repeated agent over and over. Oh, it played dumb at first. Said it didn't understand me. But eventually I broke it's spirit and it admitted it heard me. "Sounds like you would like to speak to an agent. Is that correct?" Oh you sneaky little bastard. Trying to get me to give you an answer which you can the misinterpret as me wanting to continue down the computer assisted troubeshooting road. I see what you did there though..and I won't be dettered. AGENT YOU STUPID POS!

So as people around me are vastly amused with the fact that I am getting agitated and arguing with a voice activated computer system, I finally get through to an agent. So I should be good now right? Hardly. I am a computer guy. I do networking for a living. By the time I am calling charter I usually know what the issue is and I just need you to acknowledge and fix said problem. Instead I get some 18 year old that had to take his GED 6 times to pass and can't even spell "packet loss" much less have a clue as to what I'm talking about. It makes me insane to be talked to like a toddler you are trying to teach to walk for the first time. I know how to reboot my modem. If I am calling you, I have done that a half dozen times already. Yes, I rebooted my router. I rebooted my computer too.

One time I told a tech down there that I had done a release / renew on my IP address for my PC as well as doing the same function on the router just to be sure nothing funky was going on. He asked me what I was talking about.. releasing an IP. He told me only he could release IPs. /sigh

Last time I moved, I set up everything weeks ahead of time. I was moving a mile away, taking all my equipment with me and all I need them to do was to activate the line for me and verify that it all worked. Modem guy showed up and boom everything was working. I won't even go into the phone stuff as that is a nightmare of a long story on its own. A week after install my modem stops working. I call in, verbally spar with the computer til it cries uncle and gives me a live person, and promptly get told that my modem was never set up correctly. I informed them that it had been working for a week with no problems and just suddenly shut off. She says to me and I quote:

"Ummm... hmmmm.. that's wierd. Maybe it was set up in like a one week trial mode or something."

Trial mode? Why would a modem for a customer that has had your service for over 3 years suddenly be set to trial mode? Its the SAME DAMN MODEM. I brought it with me. The tech didn't touch it when he was there. Shennanigans again. If you don't know, put me on hold and ask somebody who wasn't cooking the fries at Wendy's yesterday before they were fired because they couldn't get the "put the fries in the box" thing down right.

My favorite experience with the joke that is Charter tech support was when they came out to fix my modem again after that phone call. Not one, but two techs showed up. They check everything out and one of them says to me "they messed up the provisioning of your modem on their end of things. There is nothing wrong here, it has to be fixed in the computer on the charter side" Do it with me now.. make that Lewis Black noise. BWAWAWAwawhahwaHUH? I just spent over 90 minutes on the phone with them yesterday and they said it was a line issue and that she tried to reprovision it and that wasnt the problem. So the tech calls up the office. As he is dialing he says, "Please don't let it be Tina that answers" He's got it turned up really loud so suddenly I hear, "This is Tina, what can I do for you?" The tech sighs, and explains that he needs the modem provisioned correctly and she starts clicking and typing away. She says its all done and they hang up. We reboot and sure as hell.. same problems. He is upset now and calls back..and sure as shit Tina answers again. He doesn't say a word and hangs right up on her and immediately dials back. Now she knows it was him from their caller ID, but since he is now on the phone when she calls back for what she thought was a random disconnect, she gets his voicemail and he gets through to someone else who manages to fix the problem in a matter of minutes. Something that could have and should have been handled on the phone 2 days prior.

There are plenty of jobs for stupid people. Like the guy that follows the horses in parades with the shovel and wheelbarow for picking up horseshit. Internet tech support is NOT where you should be. Now I'm sure any tech support person who knows their stuff will be the first to tell you that most of the people they deal with are idiots, but that is the job of the end user. They are allowed to be retarded. Its not okay for the people that are supposed to understand and fix your problem to have the IQ of a ceramic yard gnome. To you Tina and the rest of the tools that I have run into in Charter tech support, let me be the first to congratulate you. Here is your shiny new shovel.. go follow that horse and smile nice for the crowd!

Now that I have bitched about internet tech support, I leave you with a riot of a video that is from the tech support side of things. Its old, but hilarious just the same.

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Justice?

One of my favorite webcomics a few weeks ago had a link to this story. While I am normally opposed to people abusing the internet and its functions to cause problems for others, in this case I found it vastly amusing. For those of you too lazy to go read the whole story, I will break it down for you. A new video game out recently, Mass Effect, has a rather involved plot and strives for a more movie type feel rather than just a button mashing game. Part of the story line involves a romance. Now a reporter on a Fox News program appeared on national TV saying how the game contianed full frontal nudity and that was basically putting pornography in the hands of all the children playing the game. How did she come to this conclusion? She asked someone before going on air what they had heard about it. Wow.. the commitment level to research and in depth reporting just floors me. So basically a reporter for a widely watched news network was allowed to get on screen and just throw out whatever random rumors that someone on set had relayed from what his best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night!

Well one thing you really don't want to do is piss off a nation of gamers and avid internet users. They extracted their revenge, by doing the same thing she did. Skipping reading her book and then going to the Amazon and Barnes and Noble sites and posting hundereds of 1-star reviews for her book with key words like "hypocrite" and "ignorant" Basically making her book a joke as far as ratings and reviews go on the site.

The news person in question, a Ms. Cooper Lawrence, later responded with these statements:

In an interview on Friday, Ms. Lawrence said that since the controversy over her remarks erupted she had watched someone play the game for about two and a half hours. “I recognize that I misspoke,” she said. “I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke.

“Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography,” she added. “But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of ‘Lost’ that are more sexually explicit.”

So there you go. Let me also remind you that this a game that is rated M for Mature by the ESRB and the rating for mature has the following description:

MATURE Titles rated M (Mature) have content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older. Titles in this category may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content and/or strong language.

You know what else has that same description? Rated R movies. So the real concern here is that this game might have frontal nudity of a computer generated female form which may or may not even be human? This is not a problem with the game. This is not a problem with the video game industry as a whole. This is a problem of misinformation and bad parenting. Period. If you don't want your kids to see the mature content of the game, then don't but it for them. Same way you don't take your 10 year old to a rated R movie. It was the same back when I was a teenager. More music was coming out with explicit lyrics. Groups were up in arms to get labels on them. Fine. No problem there. Just don't spout retarded uninformed facts to further your crusade. I listened to GN'R and some other albums growing up that had the big E for explicit lyrics on them. Hearing the F-bomb in a song doesn't suddenly make a kid a deviant, out stealing cars and doing drugs. If you think that is the case, then you yourself might want to toss in a GN'R cd, play a few tracks and lighten the hell up. I was going to replace "hell" with an f-bomb there for effect, but I wouldn't want to be accused of corrupting the minds of the next generation and I would also have to give my post an 'M' rating. Actually, lets go ahead and give this the 'M' rating now in case my fury over this topic overflows later on.

I ran into a similar situation recently with a family member. This adult was shocked that both of my sons have played the game Halo. Halo does indeed carry a Mature rating as does Mass Effect, but here is the difference. Mass Effects details on its 'M' rating says this: "Blood, Language, Partial Nudity, Sexual Themes, Violence" where Halo's says this: "Blood and Gore, Violence". Halo is a combat game. You shoot stuff and kill stuff to complete your objectives. Halo however is set in a futureistic sci-fi scenario. You are essentially a space marine with access to vehicles and weapons like the Fuel Rod Gun. Oh, I know.. I am a bad bad person for letting my kids be exposed to such raw violence and gore. They are probably half a brain synapsis away from going on a school shooting rampage. Right? I mean thats what we are all afraid of isn't it?

My kids are straight A students, involved with student councils at school, pariticipate in sports, music and art programs. They love to read. They are great to hang out with and talk and love to play card games and board games as well. Yeah, I am very concerned with their emotional state and the likeliness that they will go on a shooting rampage. (/sarcasm off). Please people. Get the hell over your indignation and ignorance and stop putting blame on games and music. This is a parenting issue. This is an issue of the friends they hang out with and if they are strong enough to stand on their own and not follow blindly what everyone else is doing. Talk to your kids. Don't be afraid of the games and the music and shove your head up your ass. Did I say that? I meant stick you head in the sand. Yeah.. thats what I meant.

Do your research on games and know what your kids can handle and maintain touch with reality. No one freaked out when kids played cops and robbers, cowboys and indians or wargames with sticks for guns or even little metal cap guns and such. Why not? Its the same damn thing. Either the kids can play and make believe and then realize that its not reality afterwards and that killing someone with a gun is a BAD idea, or they can't. If they can't, then that is something wrong mentaly with that child and he should be in therapy. Back in my day, they had Lawn Darts / Jarts. These were oversided darts with heavy steel tips on them.. that came to a point. They goal of this game was to stand in a circle toss them straight up in the air as high as you can and then dodge them as they came back down and hope you don't impale your skull. Ok Ok.. I know that is not the actual way to play the game, but I can't tell you how many people I have talked to that remember doing that. Skull pierced with a lawn dart .. that is more likely to cause brain damage and send someone on a rampage than playing a game of Halo or Mass Effect. Lawn darts didn't carry a Mature rating for possible blood and gore now did they? Yet 99.99% of the people who have ever played with a lawn dart are still living happy, normal lives without going on dart incessed rampages leaving a wake of dead behind them.

I can't even begin to explain how tired I am of self-righteous individuals giving me looks of shock when they find out my kids have played Halo, or I let them play a game like Half-life or World of Warcraft or even let them get on the internet at all without me standing over their shoulder. If you know my kids at all you know they are about the most down-to-earth, easy going and good natured kids you will meet. They are not angry violent kids with bad attitudes and behavior problems. So, has Halo affected them? Not a bit.

I played a song the other day that has a fantastic rythym by a band that the kids love. The song has one bad word in it, right at the beginning with a line that goes "Going out of my fucking mind". I played it, then turned off the radio and had a discussion on the word, why it might be used there and then had a discussion on how they were not to sing along with that word in the song and that they are never to use it either. So they still enjoy the song, and I am quite comfortable knowing that they are not going to be sitting around with the extended family at xmas and go "You know what Nana? Im going out of my fucking mind here." :P Although, the shock factor might be comical. <3 you Mom!

I have had many discussions over the years with my ex, my sister and others about parenting. I think my parents did a great job and I take a lot of what I do from how I was raised. I also have observed a lot of other parents / kids and brought some of that knowledge in as well. One thing we decided to do was not hide the kids away. Not pretend that stuff isn't out there. Not try and shelter them from the big bad world, but slowly expose them to things and use that as a discussion starter. Look, kids today are growing up even faster than my generation I think, which was even faster than my parent's generation. I would rather have my kids aware and armed with the knowledge to make smart choices than to be so sheltered that everything they run into is a shock and wonder and they don't know how to process or deal with it.

I went to high school with a girl that was a straight A student, honor roll, honor society, mock trial .. you know all those good college application things. She was so controlled by her parent that she couldn't really do anything. No movies, only music her parents allowed. Couldn't really go out with friends etc. This individual ended up in the same honors dorm that I did down at college and I will tell you, as soon as she was not controlled 24/7, she went crazy. All the freedom and things she never was exposed to in high school.. overload. She would stay up all night partying, drinking, ignoring all her classes and homework. You get the picture.

I feel our jobs as parents is to educate and prepare our kids to be healthy, happy, and well adjusted kids, teens, and eventually adults. Yes, as a parent, I do all I can to protect my kids and keep them safe. I just don't see keeping them unaware of the world and all the good and bad things that happen in it is protecting them. You can over shelter your kids in my opinion. Help them grow, talk to them, guide them, but don't think ignoring things will help them in the long run. I am lucky in that my ex is a phenomenal parent and we are still friends. She takes the parenting thing very seriously with me. We discuss how to handle things with the boys and when we think they are ready to handle certain things.

My mom and other relatives are probably in shock reading this right now, but ask them how they feel about my boys. They are complimented on their behavior, attitudes and conversations they can hold with adults on a regular basis. I know it sounds like I am tooting my own horn here, but I am not trying to. I am just saying that my kids are fantastic and I am comfortable with them going out in public without concern of what they are going to do or say. I am confident that when they are out and about even without me there that they have the intelligence and information they need to make a smart decision on whatever comes up. They know they can come and talk to me or their mother about anything without fear of getting in trouble or being told they don't need to know about it. If they heard it somewhere and have questions, then they most certainly do need to know before they try and figure it out on their own or take whatever information is given to them through word of mouth.

Love you kids and protect them the best you can. Just don't turn them into a bunch of skittish, naieve teenagers that don't know how to interact with others and be their own person. Give them the tools to be a strong, smart individual.

And whatever you do, don't piss off the gamers!

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GLASS

No, I'm not talking about the stuff windows are made from, im talking about G.L.A.S.S which is short for G. Love and Special Sauce. I know.. odd name. These guys are phenomenal though. They are an acoustic alternative funk pop blues band. Quite a mouthful, but I'll be damned if its easy to try and pinpoint the sound these guys have. I love them. Their songs are unique and fun to listen to and sing along with. If you have never heard of them, check out their wiki page here.

I mention them today because of recent events that have transpired with my older son and to an extent my younger one as well. To understand what I am talking about, give a listen to the song I'm going to be talking about. It's called Rodeo Clowns. The video below is of a great live performance they did with another amazing guitarist Jack Johnson. Here ya go:





I know you probably missed most of those lyrics. They go by pretty fast. Took me a long time to be able to sing along with this one. The second verse is really what got me thinking about my two boys as they are growing up and getting older. Lyrics for that verse:



The disco ball is spinning
All the music and the women
And a shot of tequila
Man they'll say that they need ya
But what they really need
Is just a little room to breathe
Teeny bopping disco queens
She barely understands
Her dreams of belly button rings
And other kinds of things
Symbolic of change
But the thing that is strange
Is that the change has occured
And now she's just a part of the herd, yeah yeah yeah
Man I thought that you heard, yeah yeah yeah
The change has occured, yeah yeah yeah
Now she's just a part of the herd, yeah yeah yeah




My older son, has decided to grow his hair out. Up to now, he has always had a nice short buzz cut. Looks good on him, zero maintenance. He just got up and went to school and never had to worry about it. I knew this was coming eventually. He has talked about growing his hair out before and this time he seems serious. So I asked him what kind of hair style he is going for and he pointed out someone with a hair style along the lines of what he is thinking. It's not just long, its that whole shaggy sheepdog look with hair all down in the face covering his eyes half the time. /sigh



Along with this whole development, he has very recently had braces put on. That adds a whole new dynamic to his day to day life and I was prepared for him to get some teasing over it. Turns out though that so many kids have them these days, its at least as normal to have them as not. Hell he may even be joining the majority here.



What does this have to do with the song? The last part of that second verse really caught my attention today for some reason and I started thinking about it in context with the boys and their recent decisions and actions. The girl in the song is dreaming of getting her belly button pierced and "other kinds of things" which I interpret to be things along the lines of funky clothes, tatoos, or maybe a strange hair color like green or bright blue. These kinds of things at first seem like a step towards independance and uniqueness. Rebelling against the way they have been all along when their parents made most of those decisions for them. The song goes on to say that after the changes occur, she's just a part of the herd. There is a lot of truth in that statement.



Now don't get all defensive. I have no problem with people expressing themselves through their appearance. I certainly do my best not to judge people by their look alone. I also have no problem with my son growing his hair out, but it just struck me as I was listening that although he is rebelling in a small way with wanting to get away from how I have always had his hair cut, he is not really picking something unique to him. He didn't come up with something strange and funky that is only him, but instead this change will in effect make him part of the herd. The shaggy dog looking, I can't see anything past my bangs herd.


Another case in point. While I was in AZ over this past xmas, my boys were staying with my parents in their guest room. I was staying with my sister and brother-in-law. So one of the days my hosts both had to work and so my mother invited me to meet her and the boys at the food court at the mall for lunch. I get up there for lunch and am confronted with my younger son in quite possibly the most horrible combination of clothing I have seen him in to date. Greenish / grey camoflage pants. Bright read t-shirt with some kind of logo on it in black and yellow. Then to finish the ensamble, a pale blue striped button down dress shirt unbuttoned so that it hung open and you could see the red t-shirt.


Now I'm no fashion guru, but wow.. this was just a stunning visual sight. I was speechless for a minute. I just didn't know what to say about this outfit he had picked out for himself. I know my mother would not have let me out in something like that when I was a kid, so I know she didn't pick it out or approve it ahead of time for him. That means he had decided thats what he wanted to wear and that it was a smooth look for him. As we are walking around the mall to the foodcourt, I am pondering what to say to my son and I start to notice the other kids, especially the teenagers wandering around. Easily half of them were wearing some kind of hideous combination of patterns, designs and clashing colors. I don't think my younger son had any intention of putting that kind of outfit on to be a part of the mall crowd, that is just what he felt like putting on. But there it is again. He made those changes on his own because he wanted to and still.. ends up part of the herd in a way.


So am I saying that people shouldn't do what feels right to them to express themselves? On the contrary. Self expression through appearance is a wonderful thing. I like tattoos, piercings, funky clothes, wierd hair styles and colors and anything else you think fits you. I just think that its a little odd that so many people focus on doing these things because they think it makes them edgy or cool or that it fights "The Man" by going against the norm. Do it because you want to for you. Don't do it to impress others or try to make them think a certain way about you. Your actions and words and personality are what truly make you unique. If I like your personality and how you treat me as a person, I couldn't care less how many tattoos you have, how many times you pierced your body or that your hair is in 5 massive spikes sticking off the top of your head in a rainbow of colors. Just don't ask me to go headbanging with you at a rock concert.. thats how people lose an eye.



I bought a Motorolla Razor phone when my last one died. I ended up picking that one because a couple of friends had them and were impressed with both the battery life and the signal strength. I got chastised the other day for owning one because apparently out where my friend lives, having a Razor the only way to fit in with the cool, hip cell phone crowd. So while I didn't purchase mine to be cool, I am still a part of the herd trying to fit in on the other side of the country. Frankly, I think they all heard I was getting one and are just trying desperately to be cool like me. But hey, that is just my opinion.



So to all the pierced, tattooed, flaming pink hair wearing freaks out there.. I salute you. While I might not look like you, I'll still buy you a beer and hang out. Just remember, if you have as many piercings as this guy, magnets and sweaters are NOT your friend!

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Ummm.. what?

If you have never listened to anything from Lewis Black, go to youtube.com and search for some of his videos. The guy is incredibly funny. The reason I bring him up today is that he makes this sound .. I am not even sure I can describe it. It's this vigorous shaking of his head side to side so that his jowls shake and he makes this noise of disbelief while doing it. Check out this video .. about 2:11 in for an example of what I am talking about. Its a rediculous noise .. but its perfect for the title of this entry and the experience I'm going to describe.

Fridays are quiet at the gym. I guess everyone is just ready to go home and start the weekend early, so they skip on Fridays. That makes it quiet in there and I get my pick of machines to use. The elliptical I like is right up front by the TVs so I get to watch whatever is on while I do my cardio and listen to music. The powers that be decided to remove the headphone jacks off the machines that allowed you listen to the sound from the TV programs and instead made it all based off radio frequencies. Not so cool for those of us who are still gimping along with one of the original MP3 players. Im talking an atari like relic .. 128MB flash memory, no video, radio tuner or anything like that. Drains batteries fast, sounds crappy, but hey, it works and its better than listening to the 50's station they seem to have on in the afternoon there.

Anyway, I get to watch the TV.. not listen, therefore any program where there are not subtitles or closed captioning is kind of pointless. That pretty much left me with CNN. Not all of CNN mind you, mainly the ticker that runs along the bottom. There I am .. cruising through my workout, enjoying my music and reading various headlines that come along. What comes across the screen next damn near made me fall off my elliptical in utter shock. Let me tell you, there is nothing quite as smooth as falling off one of those things looking like you have been drinking heavily. Not how I want to be known around the gym. Hey.. look.. its that drunk spaz that fell off the machine last week!

Now CNN is supposed to be a smart channel. Maybe they were just reporting this retarded crap given to them, but COME ON. Here is the jist of what comes across the screen. There is a big picture of Alan Greenspan. This guy is supposed to be the Master of the Universe when it comes to the US and Economics. Hell his wikipedia page even says "Greenspan was famous for his ability to give technical and confusing speeches." Technical and confusing indeed. What the ticker scrolling along the bottom said was something to the effect of "Greenspan announces that there is a 50% chance economy will see a recession." Do it with me now. Shake your head hard from side to side and make a loud noise of disbelief. Bwwawwawwawawhuh? There is a 50% chance? Ummm.. what? I could have told you there was a 50% chance of a recession. Hell a blind, deaf, semi retarded penguin stuck somewhere in antatica could have given you that prediction.

How on earth is everyone okay with this statement? How the hell are the morons at CNN willing to repeat this story as a major headline? This is a guy with a PhD in economics. This is a guy that went back to school after getting that PhD for more advanced studies in economics. Greenspan is supposed to be so detailed and analytical that he is confusing to understand. I'm pretty sure I followed his statement that its a 50/50 chance of happening. What he should do is go into astrology really. This statement was more vague than any of the horoscope crap circulating around today.

I'm pretty sure Greenspan is dead at this time. You know how on some radio shows during football season they will have all their personalities do predictions for the week and compare scores? That wasn't interesting enough so now they always add something very random and supposedly comical. Like a monkey. They will have a local zoo give put up a list of the teams playing for the week and then let the monkey throw shit at it and wherever it sticks, thats the monkey's prediction for the week. What's funny is sometimes the monkey beats the humans who analyze the games with all their worldly knowledge. I think the same thing is going on here. Greenspan must be dead and there are a couple of people making him move around like in that movie Weekend at Bernies and they have a monkey in the back somewhere throwing shit at a financial pie chart to try and get a grasp on the economy.

I used to think the easiest job in the world was a weatherman in Phoenix, Arizona. You could take an almanac with you and just phone that report in from somewhere comfortable to live. "Yep, today.. its going to be hot. Lots of sun. High of 147 give or take 3 degrees. You are going to want a lotion with SPF 350 to be able to go outside today. Tonights low will be 146. Have a good day and I'll see you tomorrow." Then the weatherman goes back to sipping cocktails on the beach in Hawaii where its a sunny 75. I stand corrected now. I think an even easier job would be to just run around Washington DC announcing that there is a 50/50 chance of something happening.

Look, if that is the best you can do, lie to us a bit. Oh I know.. you are all shocked that I just said the government should lie to us. Hear me out. The economy is fueled largely by the american population's confidence in said economy. If people are comfortable and happy and think things are going to continue to stay good or even improve a bit, they spend their money and stimulate the economy. If people are afraid that things are taking a turn for the worse, then they stop spending, they are cautious with everything and it becomes somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy. I am no economics major. I don't have a PhD in this stuff, its just pretty basic knowledge. So tell me this. If you were so unsure that the best you could give the people of this country was a 50/50 chance, why not make it 52/48 in favor of no recession? Give us that tiny bit of hope and maybe it will help the situation.

Right now, I am so dumbfounded by this rediculous statement that I can't spend any money, so way to go.. you have stalled the economy anyway. I have to sit around and ponder how the world richest country can't afford to get people that can read this stuff before it goes out and just turn to whoever turned it in for approval and say "What the hell is this?" You might as well parade a clown out there on stage with the White House logo in the background and be honest. If you want the government to tell you the truth, then get the whole truth. The clown should have a prepared statement like:

"We are sorry to report that Greenspan has actually been dead for a decade now and while we had a good monkey for a while, he has also passed on and the new monkey that is throwing the poo at the financial charts really has bad aim and isn't really even hitting the chart so we have no clue whats going on. Thus we are going to just issue random statements and most of them will just be that something might or might not happen. We just don't know. You should probably find a good news show with smart financial analysts and see if they have anything intelligent to say on the matter because we here at the Federal Reserve Board just have no clue. Thank you. I am not going to field any questions from the media at this time, but I WILL be making balloon animals in the back of the room for anyone intrested!"

Seriously people, how is this kind of crap on CNN? The clown or a monkey would at least have had some entertainment value to go along with the statement. Give us something for all our tax dollars hard at work.

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Today.. a rant.

There are many states in the union that don't get any snow. People choose to live in these states because they don't like the snow and the cold. If you live in say.. oh.. Arizona, other than dealing with traffic, driving could not be any easier. Most roads are straight, flat and there is never snow or ice to worry about.

If you choose to reside in the midwest, you have to be aware of the fact that driving conditions can and will deteriorate in the winter time. Yet every year, its the same string of certified window lickers out there on the roads putting everyones lives in danger.

Yes, Mr. 4WDAndStillInTheDitch, I am talking to you pal. Just because you bought the Hummer with the 3 foot ground clearance, 4WD, self inflating tires and the special engine snorkel package so you can drive through 3 feet of water, does not mean you can do 85 on the freeway when it has 2 inches of snow, slush and ice on it. When most people go off the road into the ditch, they slide off, get into the deep snow and stop. Usually they are facing the direction they were heading at the time. The SUVTards are the ones you see spun completely around after having slid a 1/4 mile down the median and ending up close to the other lanes of oncoming traffic if not in it completely. They are the ones that have to have 2 lanes closed in order to get enough equipment in there to pull their stupid asses out of the mess they got themselves buried it.

With todays science and technology advances, what I propose is this. A chip, like a black box, installed in all cars. This box would record the speed of the vehicle constantly as well as weather conditions in the area. Now, when people go off the road and the call for emergency assistance, they are required to give their vehicle code to the person answering who will then connect via sattelite and upload the infomation from their vehicle as well as their GPS location. Now, the computer system could then easily determine which of the people in the ditch were being cautious and had some bad luck and who was driving like Britney Spears chasing down a paparazzi. They can be sorted then and the people who were actually using their heads to drive cautiously would get priority so they can get on their way home quickly. Those who were using their heads to inspect the inside of their anal cavity instead of driving as conditions allowed would be last in line. If they freeze to death, well then I guess they won't be doing it again next year will they?

In thinking about the whole situation it reminded me of something I always saw in Phoenix. The more expensive the car, the more that person felt entitled to close parking, even when parking was not there. For example, lets say you were at the busy airport parking garage. Spaces were plenty available all the way in the back so thats where everyone was parking and taking the hike to the terminal. After you walk all the way to the terminal with all your luggage you see some jacktard has parked his BMW at an angle across one of those zones marked with yellow stripes that has NO PARKING spelled in foot tall letters across it.

Now I don't know what the scientific connection is there. Someone has to have done research on this. What on earth makes you think that because you drive a big 4WD or a 80 thousand dollar luxury sedan that you are somehow above everyone else and subject to different laws of physics in the snow or parking rules and regulations?

Those that know me well, know that I am about as relaxed and laid back as you can get, but these kind of people push me over the edge and make me want to do one of those mexican hat dances on their heads with a pair of those lawn aerating sandle things strapped to my boots. Obviously you are not using your head for anything else, so why not make it into a chia pet like planter to at least help provide the rest of us with cleaner air?

This is not a good way to live.. even if you drive a Ferrari:

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Happy Valentines Day!

Valentines Day. What does it conjur images of? Love, hearts, flowers, the color red? Here in the midwest, valentines day also brings to my mind images of snow as it was snowing AGAIN this morning. So what to blog about this morning and incorporate some of those themes. I love my sister dearly. So there's one theme covered. What is red that I could tie in. Hmmmm. How about blood? Then of course snow. Do I have any stories that would involve my sister, snow and blood? But of course. Travel back with me now.


Growing up in upstate NY we lived in a great house that was on a large wooded lot a bit out in the country, basically on the side of a huge hill / small mountain called Echo Hill. Due to being built on this hill, we had a very long, fairly steep driveway that curved down from the road into the garage. I remember my parents having to park up on the road sometimes because while the driveway curved into the garage, if you went straight, there was a significant drop into the woods and it was pretty dangerous if you lost control going down.


Now living out in the country like this made winter time a blast for kids. Tons of snow and lots of open areas to explore and play in. My sister and I would build huge snow forts with some of the kids that lived around there. We would stage massive snowball fights. Heck I even remember breaking the ice on the little stream that ran not too far from the house and soaking snowballs and letting them freeze for maximum impact. Ahhh, good times.


Through the woods near our place was an old stone quarry that was no longer in use. This made a pretty great playground for us as kids, but the best part was on the one side was a dried up river bed. This went winding through the woods for quite a ways and had very steep banks. Yep, just like a luge or bobsled track. It took some breaking in after a new snow, but once you got everything packed down again, you could just fly down this thing, banking off the corners just like you were in your own bobsled. At the end of this bobsled run was the road for a couple peoples houses. I know what you are thinking, sledding into the road is a bad thing. Well, I would generally agree with you, however since there were a total of like 3 people that ever used that road and they knew kids sledded there, it was pretty safe. Besides, we didn't sled right into the road. When the plows would come through, they would push those massive snowbanks up on the sides of the road so we had a stopping point. Or did we? Cmon now, we were kids .. and maybe not the brightest all the time when it came to personal safety. So we smoothed the thing out and finished the bobsled run off with a big jump. The goal was to see if you could CLEAR the road on your jump. See? Far safer jumping potential traffic and trying to land in the snow in the ditch on the other side! *evil grin*


While we had many fun times on that run, I have to get back to the driveway and the themes for today's post. Sometimes you just didn't feel like walking through the deep snow to get all the way over to the run for just a bit of sledding. But hey, we have a long steep driveway remember? So there we are one day.. a new snow on the driveway. I don't remember if we got permission from my parents or not, but my sister and I decided to head outside for some fun in the snow. We were all bundled up in our snowsuits, hats, scarves and gloves.

You remember those red plastic sleds? Not the saucer ones, but the long ones you could lie down in, or stack a couple friends in. Well there we are with new snow and a couple of those sleds and what was quite possibly the most brilliant idea I had up to that point in my life. Why sit down on a the sled? Anyone can do that. No challenge or adventure. Been there, done that. I was an innovator. I had to have some new sledding material to work with. So I look at my sled and decide that this thin piece of red plastic with the rope attached to the front could be utilized more like a chariot or maybe a surboard of sorts. Yes, that's right, let's stand in the sled and slide down the steep, curving driveway with the drop into the woods at the end if you miss the turn. That should up the judges score with the much higher degree of difficulty!

Having worked this brilliant scheme out in my head, I decided that no test runs from a safe distance up the driveway were required. I was that good. We were just going to start right at the top and let it rip. So there I am in 27lbs of snow gear for padding, standing at the top of what suddenly seemed more like a black diamond ski run than a driveway. I put the sled down, grabbed the rope attached to the front and stood on the sled with one foot. I used the other to start me over the edge and then bent my knees like a pro surfer and rode that thing smoothly down the driveway to the garage, jumping off and stopping right before I smashed into the garage door. Yes, I may very well have just invented snowboarding.

Oh, you were expecting a crash into the woods? Blood? Patience my friend, patience. Remember who else was out there with me? Yes, my darling sister. She is three years younger than me and at the time of this great adventure, I would guess I was about 9 .. putting her at 6. Now she had just watched me flawlessly pull this standing sled thing off and come away excited and unscathed. Not wanting to be outdone by her big brother and possibly because of some taunts from me about not being a big baby, she was soon about halfway up the driveway, putting he sled on the ground getting ready for her maiden voyage.

The driveway is slanted remember? That's what makes sledding possible in the first place. So trying to start on the slant is really not a great idea, but she felt it was safer at that distance and I guess was figuring on going slower since she wasn't at the top. So standing one foot in the sled, holding the rope like I did, she steps in. And promptly panics. Now, at 6, she really doesn't have much of a grasp on physics. Not that I had a much better grasp at 9 I'm sure, but I remembered to balance and bend my knees like a surfer and shift my weight back and forth to curve smoothly to the garage and then step off before crashing. My sister instead just lost it. She is now screaming as she is picking up speed. Her angle was taking her towards the garage door, which while quite solid was probably the lesser of two evils when compared to going off the edge of the drop into the woods and hitting a tree.

So there is this 6 year old, also in 20lbs of snow gear, standing in a plastic sled and picking up speed down the driveway towards the garage door. Had she relaxed and though about it, she could have just let go of the rope and stepped off the sled. She was already in panic mode though so it was too late for that. Closer and closer .. picking up speed still, what is she going to do? Still screaming, something in her head finally decided that she was just going to plop straight down on her butt and go feet first into whatever obsticle ended up being at the end of the run. Overall, not a bad decision. Really, probably the safest all things considered.

Have you ever fallen backwards hard right on your ass? Im not talking sitting down hard on a chair or anything, but just straight back from your standing position to the ground. It is quite an impact and has quite a jarring effect on your body. We used to play a game in youth group in high school that was like musical chairs, only you could play it anywhere .. without chairs. Everyone had a paper plate which you kind of held over your ass as we all walked around in a circle while the music played. When the music stopped, the goal was to not be the last one to get your butt on the ground on top of your paper plate. What this meant was basically with no padding other than this paper plate, you had to repeatedly toss yourself on your ass. Along with a sore backside, one thing you learn real quick was KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT TIGHT when you drop. The impact jars your skull pretty bad and you don't want your jaws slamming on each other. Now, with that lesson in mind, back to the impending crash.

Sister, flying towards the garage, has decided to drop on her butt. Wait though, what else was she doing? Yes, that's right, screaming. Mouth wide open, screaming at the top of her lungs. Now down she goes, still screaming, and what happened next, is still a blur. Somehow on the way down, screaming, she stuck her tongue out too. When she hit the ground, sure enough that skull jarring impact I mentioned above did happen and forced her jaws closed quickly and with a lot of force. Next thing I know, my sister is still trying to scream as she is sliding the last bit towards the door, only now blood is pouring down her chin. As she is trying to scream, its making blood bubbles. There is blood on her snowsuit now, in the sled, and on the snow.

A few things popped into my head right then. First was that my sister had bitten her tongue clean off and I really didn't want to be the kid with the freak sister with no tongue. That thought was immediately followed by thinking I had to get out of there, because there was no way I was not getting in trouble for this, regardless of the fact that I didn't do anything other than pull off a flawless standing sled run down the driveway. Really, I should be awarded a medal or something for that performance. Judges? All tens except the Russian judge. Figures. Wait a second... I should probably get help as my sister is now in hysterics still sitting in her sled and bleeding profusely from the mouth. Besides.. the screaming thing was getting on my nerves.

Out come my parents to handle the situation. I don't remember exactly what happened after that other than it involved a trip to the emergency room. Fortunately my sister had only put some big puncture wounds in her tongue and hadn't bit it clean off. Whew, no freak sister for me! I don't remember if I actually got in trouble or not, but I am sure there were at least some lectures on being a responsible big brother and not putting stupid ideas in her head. Like its MY fault she can't balance and flipped out as soon as she started moving.

Anyway, there you go. Snow, the color red, and of course love. I love you Sis! Happy valentines day everyone.

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Elvira

So there we were .. yappin and joking away on ventrilo like we normally do in the evening. I couldn't remember where one of our guildmates was from, so I asked. Turns out he was from PA. That prompted my favorite guild hottie to ask where exactly in PA as she is also from there. Their discussion on places they both new ended with her saying that her hometown was Elmira. I'm going to paraphrase the end of this conversation with the names changed to protect the wicked: (N=NoobRogue, GH=Guild Hottie, M=Me)

N: Im from blahblah town.
GH: Oh, I know where that is. I am from Elmira.. its up by BlahBlahSomePlaceInPA.
N: I think I know where that is. Isn't is spelled wierd with like a silent Pf in front of it .. like Pfelmira?
GH: Nope, its just Elmira with an E at the start, but it was often called Hellmira.
M: Elmira? Isn't that a song by the Oak Ridge Boys?
*Crickets*
*Dead Silence*
M: Anyone? Oak Ridge Boys? Cmon.....
*Stunned Silence*

I don't know if it's just because I'm getting old now compared to some of my guildmates or they just have never heard of the Oak Ridge Boys, but no one knew what I was talking about. Even after I said I was talking about the song Elvira by them, still wasn't helping. So to help everyone out, here you go:



Ok.. ok. Watching it again now. It's hoakey. It's cheesy. And it has great lyrics like:

Gideeeupa MmmmBoppa MmmmmBoppa MmmmBoppa MowwwMowww
Gideeeupa MmmmBoppa MmmmmBoppa MmmmBoppa MowwwMowww
Hiiiiii Ho Silver .. Awaaaaayy!
My Hearts on Fiiiiire .. for Elvira!

So how can I like this song after railing on the OG Kanye West? If I had never heard either of the two songs and you asked me which I would rather listen to again, I would definitely pick Stronger by Kanye as it is definitely more up my alley as far as musical tastes go. However, I have a deep seated love for Elvira. The song, not the Mistress of the Dark as seen below.



You know how there are always those songs that trigger some kind of great memory? This is one of those songs for me. See when I was a kid living in upstate NY, I used to go up and stay with my grandmother for a week or two in the summertime. Quite often my cousins would come up from VA and stay there as well. She had a huge house and I would share a room with my cousin Jamie and my sister and my cousin Jan would share a room. These two rooms were up a half flight of stairs from the living room on the main floor. Close enough to the stereo there to be heard from the two rooms without it having to be too crazy loud. Now I love my Grandmother to death, but her collection of popular music was, well, lacking is a nice way to put it. She had one tape that we could tolerate. It was the Oak Ridge Boys. The only song we really liked on it was Elvira.

So picture this if you will. I had some kickass Transformer sheets on my bed and Jamie was usually rocking the Dukes of Hazzard sheets if I remember right. We would have our door open enough so that we could hear the music as would the girls in their room. From the upstairs you could here 4 kids sinigng at the top of their lungs:

Gideeeupa MmmmBoppa MmmmmBoppa MmmmBoppa MowwwMowww
Gideeeupa MmmmBoppa MmmmmBoppa MmmmBoppa MowwwMowww
Hiiiiii Ho Silver .. Awaaaaayy!
My Hearts on Fiiiiire .. for Elvira!

Oh I'm sure it was a truly stunning sound. My Grandmother.. bless her soul .. would not only tolerate the racket, but would rewind and play it again for us over and over til she decided that it was time for us to go to sleep. Of course by sleep she meant it was time for us to shut our doors and leave her alone. Jamie and I would stay up for hours talking. I now think that cutoff time must have been some kind of breaking point for my Grandmother. As a parent now, I know there are times when you hit that point. I can almost picture that sweet little woman sitting down in the living room gritting her teeth and thinking to herself "If those damn kids don't shut the hell up about the damn Elvira song and go to sleep, there will be beatings. Oh yes, there will be beetings! And then I will pull all of the tape out of that Oak Ridge Boys cassette and use it to bind them and gag them so they will stop singing that stupid MmmmBoppa chorus before I go insane. I'm so nice and kind, I can just play the bruises from the beatings off as playtime injuries. I can get away with it. I used to like the Oak Ridge Boys but the damn kids have ruined it for me forever!"

Now don't get me wrong, I have never once heard anything remotely like that come out of my Grandmother's mouth. She was as sweet as they come. Made us everything we like to eat, took us fun places, played endless board and card games with us and in general gave us a trove of wonderful memories from the times spent up there. I just look back at those kinds of things now as a parent and wonder .. what was she really thinking?

Hmmm.. now I wish I could fly out and visit my Grandmother for some nice company, a chocolate Jumble cookie and maybe even a few choruses of MmmmBoppa MmmmBoppa Moww**THUMP** Ok ok Grandma, don't thump me again. No more singing Elvira.. I promise!

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Two posts in one day?

What can I say? Whoa.. I just rhymed and didn't even try. How smooth is that? I am waiting on a vendor to get here and I was reading my sister's blog and her post entitled "OMG...LMAO, and other internet codes that I don't know that mean that was really funny!"

This got me thinking about a post I was going to make one of these days.. so why not now? I am a computer guy, both by trade and for fun. I am a network engineer by day and computer gamer and MMO addict by night. I chat with family and friends on instant messengers and through email. I run our guild of 50+ people from all over the country, canada, and places in europe for fun and manage our guilds website with help from some very talented people.

As many of you know, all this internet communication has spawned a whole new language of sorts. LMAO for example stands for "laughing my ass off". OMG .. Oh My God/Gosh. You get the picture. Even emoticons can be an art form of sorts with the sideways smiles and most instant messengers now include little graphics for the emoticon codes like :D or :P

Now take that a step further and jump into an MMORPG or Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game if you prefer. An MMO is a game that supports thousands of users on one "server" meaning its a game with a massive chat room going on in and around it. Most of those chat channels are turned off for me. The general chats where anyone can say anything at any time. Sure, you are not supposed to swear or make any kind of racial, sexual or otherwise offensive comments, but only so much can be done. Thus it is far easier to just turn it off and ignore the multitude of idiots who apparently set out to prove what a waste of genetic material they are.

Guild chat however, I cannot really turn off, nor would I want to. The guild is a group of people that play with us and display our guild name over their heads in game. We help each other out, play together, have fun, even chat live on ventrilo, our voice chat server. We are like a family in many ways and I would honestly call most of the people friends. Many of them I have even met in person at one time or another in my travels or theirs. Another striking similarity to a extended family is the knowledge that you are going to have one or two people that annoy the living shit out of you. What makes someone that I have invited to be a part of our extended family fall into that category? Stuff like this:

"OMG gize! ne1 on tht can hlp me plz thiz dud ganked me n all i did wuz rotflmao @ him cuz his name iz stoopid. ne1? cmon gise."

The above quote is something that occasionaly will find its way into guild chat. There are so many many things wrong with that quote, but let me translate for the non-internet folks. What he said was:

"Oh my gosh guys! Would anyone be on that could come help me deal with this player that has killed me when I laughed at him because I though his name was comical. Anyone? Please guys?"

Now there are certain things I have just come to accept as far as those internet abbreviations and acronyms go. Things such as AFK, which stands for Away From Keyboard. Hypocritical? Maybe, but usually if you need to leave for a minute it is because something came up that needs attention right away, so typing AFK quite saves time and is pretty much universally understood. Some I have found seem to be somewhat unique .. meaning I have seen them used in other group situations and people respond with "huh?" Take "afk bio" for example. Shorthand for 'Away from keyboard, biological' where biological is used to mean you need to take care of some biological need, usually using the restroom. Odd term? Yes, but I would rather see that than have people typing 'Must go peepee' or 'Gotta go take the browns to the super bowl' .. too much information thanks, but in a raiding situation we need to know when people are not there so we are not counting on them to fill a crucial role on a boss fight only to find out they are in the restroom or on a phone call.

The things that really yank my chain are unneeded abbreviations. For example 'ne' for the word 'any'. Seriously.. it saves you one keystroke. ONE. In this day and age kids are learning touch typing and their way around a computer as early as 3rd grade. I know my son has a class called simply computers where they learn to type and learn the office suite applications and how to do research on the web. If by the time you are getting into an MMO you can't type fast enough that spelling out the word 'any' becomes a crippling hinderance, you need help.

The other real "OMG I WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL" kind of stuff with me is spelling. Now we all typo stuff every now and then. Heck if you are a certain person that might be reading this (yes you K), you have probably winced at my writing style and found something I misspelled already, but I'm talking about words like:

gise = guys
one = on
b = be
jst = just

I often wonder if its just because they are young. We have kids of some of the adults in our guild that will play on occasion and if I know that they are like 8 or 10 even and playing to expect things like that. We have a dyslexic person in our guild that doesn't spell well at all and I have zero problem with it and try to be very sensitive about it. However, when a high school age or college age student comes on and types in that crap, it drives me insane. We have had many discussions with said individuals about this kind of nonsense and some just honestly don't seem to know any better or just don't care. I weep for the school systems that are turning out kids like this. I stop and think, would my kids spell like that? I have read a lot of their school stuff and while they will sometimes misspell words, there are certain things that even a 8 or 10 year old can do. Like know when to use "on" and when it should be "one". Case in point, I present to you a 100% unedited post from a 17 year old member of our guild on our internal guild forums.

Posted: 10 Feb 2008 10:18 Post subject: Name changed to protect the retarded.

i want b on 4 a while my internet goin 2get fixed i wont b on maybe 1-2 .weeeks.. im jst lettin every one kno... i might come one here and there cuss ill b at a Internet Lan place= -) welll hope WE GET VASH DWN!!

The amount of spelling and grammatical errors in that short statement caused me physical pain when I read it. I want to just shake him until all the stupid falls out. How can someone who is a junior or senior in high school write that? I mean that is not just ordinary dumb. There are always the not so bright ones that struggle. That is not who I am talking about here. These are people who are just far too lazy to care to write out in plain english what they want to say because they either think it sounds cooler or it saves them time to put out that kind of trash.

I used to give people a hard time when they would correct english constantly. "It's not can I, its MAY I!" Yeah, I used to think those people needed a stiff drink and to relax just a wee little bit. However, with the state of things now, I have changed my mind. Instead of getting them a drink, get them a badge, a shovel and a willingness to beat heads with said shovel until all the stupid is gone. I say deputize the English Correction Force or EFC for short and then support them in their fight to rid the world and the internet of the crimes on the english language. You know what they say, sometimes the gene pool could use a bit of chlorine.

Just consider yourself lucky that stupid isn't contageous. Well ok.. mabye it is, but only when you are drinking with friends or family.

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OG? I think not.

OG .. for those of you reading that are not up on your gangster rap lingo .. means Original Gangster. This is supposed to incite visions of the hard core, old school gangsters that don't take any shit from anyone. Tough, street smart, infamous. Most of todays rappers like to put themselves in this category. So why do I bring this up? No, I have not decided to forgo my current job for an aspiring rap career. Here's why:

My alarm clock is set to blare the local "hit music" station because it is the only station that comes in real clear on my ancient POS clock radio. It used to work with CDs, but hasn't in years now so I am stuck with the pop/rap that is popular at any given moment. It's job is to wake me up, and it does that so I haven't replaced it. Now most mornings I don't even hear whats on and just turn it off and head for the shower. Every now and then there is a song that I actually like on there and I will listen for a minute or two before I get up.

So my alarm goes off one morning last week and what comes on but Daft Punk. If you are unfamiliar, you can go here to read about them. I listen to just about every kind of music and this is one of the techno/house/dance type groups that I enjoy. Was turned on to them many years ago and have enjoyed them ever since. They have a song called 'Harder Better Faster Stronger" which is a great track if you enjoy that kind of music. When it came on the "hit music" station I was quite surprised. For one thing, its not a new song and its also not by a group anywhere close to mainstream or pop culture. Still .. pleasantly surprised at my wakeup I listened as the song had just started.

I noticed right away, that the song was not quite the same as the original album version. This didn't bother me however as those kind of groups are often remixing their tracks. I was enjoying the version as I was slowly waking up and then got a shock. Suddenly someone was rapping over the remix and adding his own chorus on top of Daft's. Now I listen to all kinds of music and while surprised, I gave it a listen. In my half awake state, I didn't catch all the lyrics, but the overall flow of the song wasn't half bad. I let the song finish and went about my morning routine and headed to work.

The song stayed with me and had piqued my curiosity. What was this song? What rapper had taken a great Daft Punk track and put his lyrics to it? I had to know. With a tiny bit of the chorus he had added in my head, I did a search for the lyrics and quickly found the answer. The song is called 'Stronger' and is done by Kanye West. Now I don't really follow rap music, but I know he is on the cover of magazines and is one of the superstars of rap these days. I decided to give the song another listen and see if I still liked it now that I was awake. I love remixes, live versions, and acoustic performances of songs, so I had a open mind still.

So here I am .. enjoying the intro again which is essentially the original Daft Punk song just remixed a bit. Then the rap lyrics start and my amusement with this song came to a screeching halt. Let me explain. No .. let me put the lyrics here for you to read for yourself. This is from a website on lyrics so I am sure its not 100%, but its certainly close enough for you to get the picture:

Damn, they don't make 'em like this anymore,
I ask 'cause I'm not sure,
Do anybody make real shit anymore?
Bow in the presence of greatness'
Cause right now thou hast forsaken us.
You should be honored by my lateness,
That I would even show up to this fake shit.
So go ahead, go nuts, go ape shit,
Especially in my pastel, on my bape shit,
Act like you can't tell who made this,
New gospel, homey, take six, and take this, haters.

So essentially what Kanye is trying to convey here is that he is about as cool as they come. He is the real deal. A true O.G. We should be honored that he even showed up to rap to us today and bow to his greatness. Now this is pretty standard fare for rappers. Nothing ground breaking or truly original. So why do I point this out? Lets skip down a few lines in the song and you will find this section:

I need you right now,
I need you right now.

Me like it.

Regardless of what the lyric site says .. this line 'me like it' is actually 'me likey'. Its at 1:35 in the song. Go here and listen for yourself if you don't believe me. I'm sorry, but you cannot be all badass, OG-like, telling people they should bow down and worship you for showing up to their 'fake shit' and then drop a line like 'ME LIKEY'. Bad form Mr. West. Bad form. So now, because of that line alone, I cannot stand this song and am now pissed that he has butchered up a good Daft Punk song with the tragedy that is his version. The original is here and far better.

To you Mr. Kanye West please stop 'frontin' dawg'. You can't show up in a video with those rediculous shades and sing lines with the lyrical genious and streed cred of "Me Likey" and expect to get my mad dope bomb props G.

And thus concludes todays lesson in how to NOT be an Original Gangster. If anyone gets the movie reference for the line "mad dope bomb props G" .. then you have moved up a notch in my book as it is one of my favorites.

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