D I A F.

You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a news story about the economy these days. Everywhere around the country and around the world people are struggling to make ends meet. People are losing their jobs. Families who had no financial worries a few years ago are suddenly finding themselves struggling to make ends meet and just keep a roof over their heads.

I realize the rich in the world live in some kind of alternate reality, but read this and tell me to do not want to literally set this guy and his stupid fucking dog on fire. LINK-TO-OMG-WTF

There are stories all the time about the excesses of the rich, but to spend 4.2mil on a tiara for a 8lb dog? That is just a whole different realm of excess. Maybe he shouldn't die in a fire though. That would be too quick and wouldn't really get the point across. What would be really awesome is if we could pull of some kind of 'Trading Places' situation like they did with Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy in the movie. Take that pompus idiot and strip away all his money and houses and make him work at McD's for minimum wage. Make him go home to a 1 bedroom apartment and live off top ramen. Give the fucker some perspective because obviously someone who can drop 4mil on dog bling has ZERO contact with reality.

If you haven't seen the Lewis Black bit where he talks about rich people and the stupid shit they do, check it out.



"I don't believe you one-up someone just by buying something bigger.. if you really want to shake someone up and fuck with them, what you do is use that money in a way they never imagine. You know what I would have done with that money? I would hire a young woman in her 20's and pay her an amazing salary .. give her the best pension and health insurance.. and she would be my personal ball washer."

As outrageous as that sounds, at least he would be employing someone with the money he is spending. Watch the whole video though as he talks about the excesses of the overly rich and the idiots that stole all that money from their companies like Adelphia and Enron. Lewis Black is a riot. I would love to go drinking with him.

Maltese dogs are lame to begin with.. but now with that tiara, I really want to have someone dangle a treat in the air so the dog is standing on his back legs like he is tee'd up and then punt his ugly little ass through the uprights on a football field. His tiara would of course fall off and I would take it, sell it and use the money to pay a whole mass of people to do nothing but follow that tool around and call him and idiot non-stop til he goes insane and checks into an asylum. Look at this picture and tell me you don't have an overwhelming urge to drop kick his smug little tiara-wearing ass.

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They are smart up in Flint, MI

You want to assume that the police are on the ball. Highly trained. One step ahead of the criminals. You want to assume that if something bad happens, that they are going to be there in a flash solving the crime. Maybe its not one of those open and shut cases, but you want to know that they have a grasp on what's going on and are at least headed in the right direction. I am not so sure the people of Flint, MI are feeling that way right about now.

The police up that way have released a statement that they are "investigating" to see if any foul play was involved in the death of a 9 year old quadriplegic girl. Who was found dead in a public storage unit. In a trash bag. Covered in moth balls to mask the smell. Who wasn't reported missing for over 6 weeks after she was last seen.

What do you need to investigate for signs of foul play? The cops are waiting for the autopsy they said. Even if she died of natural causes.. the rest of the stuff is STILL foul play. What is their scenario looking like? One of my coworkers suggested that maybe she did the 'worm' to get to the storage facility. So maybe that's what they are thinking. She threw herself out of the wheelchair and 'wormed' her way down to a public storage facility. Then waited for someone to leave and sneak in real quick. She then omehow used her mouth to pick a lock to the storage unit. Then wriggled inside a plastic bag and then quickly covered herself in a mass of mothballs in the most elaborate hide-n-seek spot ever?

Look, even if she was suicidal and decided to suffocate herself in a trash bag in a pile of mothballs, SHE WAS A QUADRIPLEGIC. The definition of which is someone who has lost the function of both arms and both legs. Have you seen an adult trying to get a plastic yard trash bag off the roll, open, and get leaves stuff inside? Its not all that easy for a full functioning adult. Yet it doesn't raise any 'foul play' notions for the Flint PD that a girl who can't use her arms or legs ends up inside of one hidden in a pile of moth balls? Someone draw them a picture already as they are obviously just not getting it.

I know people are innocent until proven guilty. That is a GOOD thing. But that doesn't mean you make inane statements to the public like that. Give them some confidence in the police department. This is not a good way to do it.

I guess when I finally decide to take out Kirsten Dunst, I should do it in Flint. Then I can wrap her in a trash bag and toss her in a pile of moth balls in a public storage facility. That should raise no questions for at least a couple of months!

If you really want to see a badass 'worm' move though.. check out good ol' Steve Wozniak of Apple computers @ 3:15 in this video.

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C'mon Now...

First off, let me agree that guns are dangerous and shouldn't be left around loaded. I am all for gun safety. It's very important that if you plan on having firearms in the home that the kids are educated on them and that they are stored properly.

I just read THIS article and I am just floored. Yes, it's tragic that a kid got hurt. No one wants to see that. However, this was not a 5 year old that didn't know any better. This kid was TWELVE.

Now I have two boys in that age group so I feel somewhat qualified to talk on the capabilities and reasoning of said age group. Even if they stumbled across a loaded gun, decided to pick it up and then decided to be really stupid and try to shoot said gun, they are smart enough NOT TO POINT IT AT THEIR HEAD FIRST. Really, by the time they are say 10ish.. if you have not imparted the knowledge to your child that you never want to have a gun pointed at your head if you are going to pull the trigger to see if it's loaded or not, then you have failed as a parent.

It's a common sense thing. Much like not slicing your jugular with that kitchen knife to test and see if its sharp. Or sticking your hand in the garbage disposal to see if the blades are spinning or not. Or sitting bare-assed on the stove to see if the burners are working. It's people like this that force companies to put warning labels on things like "Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with genitals". (Yes, that is an actual warning label for Husquvarna chainsaws)

You know those darwin awards.. it's like chlorine for the gene pool. Yes, the parents should have had better control of a loaded firearm. But a 12 year old should be smart enough to NOT shoot himself in the head even if he did find a loaded gun. I have never taught my kids specifically about grenades, but I am confident that if they found one, they are not going to pull the pin and hold on to it just to see what happens. It's common sense.

See.. you can learn things from violent action movies and video games. My guess is that 12 year old had an overbearing mother that wouldn't let him do anything. Wouldn't let him watch anything with guns or violence. Wouldn't let him play any video games. Pretending the big scary world isn't out there doesn't help prepare them to deal with it, which they are going to have to do eventually.

The boy in the story is in stable condition now. If he survives, I hope he has learned something from the experience. Like Gun+Head=Bad.

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Devil Vision!

As we all now know from previous posts of mine, webcams are the work of the Devil himself and will immediately begin to corrupt the innocent and pure minds of those that use them. Fortunately, my mind is neither innocent nor pure, so its effect has yet to take hold.

I hopped on my Devil Cam and connected with my sister in AZ. My parents were there as well and so I got to see all of my family and even my new nephew Zane for about an hour. We had a good time chatting, seeing each other, and making plans for when I come visit in a couple of weeks. I do feel bad about exposing poor baby Zane to the Devil Cam this early in his life. He is DOOOOOOOOMED!

My family is insisting we have some kind of contest to tackle the Vermonster while I am there. Yes.. 20 scoops of icecream + toppings. I get my nephew Caden on my team though.. and I have seen that kid put away some serious icecream despite his size, so I think we have a good shot at winning!

I am not looking forward to the 100+ temps in AZ, but then again, I am not enjoying the forecast of snow today either. Maybe that move to San Diego isn't such a crazy idea after all! :P

Oh and here's a bit of humor for your day. This guy, Gary Gulman cracks me up.

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Wow... just wow.

How people can design things and not just step back and take a real good look at what they have created is beyond me. Or did this person know full well what he/she was making? If that's the case, it's even more disturbing. This is supposed to be a slide. For kids.

To be fair.. there are kids. And they are sliding. So I suppose in a way, it met its goals. But how.. HOW.. does this get made. How does a parent walk up to his and go, "Yes, go ahead little Billy.. go play on the giant penis and slide right on out of it!"?

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Happy Easter or something.

So I'm a few days late. Sue me.

The boys and I had a great, if non-traditional, easter. While I did have a ham ready to cook, I didn't feel like cooking it and my brother doesn't really like ham. He also doesn't like bacon and neither does my SIL. Which I am pretty sure makes them communists, but I am still checking on that.

So instead of ham and scalloped potatoes and finding eggs around the yard, we skipped all that noise and went and had Mongolian grill for lunch. It was fabulous. Even my picky eater enjoyed it. You get to pick your meats and seafoods, noodles, veggies and the type of sauce you want. Then you take all your ingredients up to the big grill and the entertaining guys there grill it all up for you while you watch. We all ate with chopsticks too, which was also very amusing. I think we all go the hang of it towards the end though.

The boys had brought their baskets over from my Ex's house where they celebrated easter last year. They made many, no-so-subtle reminders to the 'easter bunny' that they wanted stuff put in said baskets. So I got them lots of candy, including the sweet tart jellybeans they were requesting. The funny part is.. Gabe had his first orthodontial stuff put on yesterday and was reminded that you can't have any 'sticky' food. Like Jellybeans for example as the orthodontist mentioned. The look of dissapointment on his face when he heard that news was quite entertaining. So now they get to look at the jellybeans every day.. but not actually eat them. My older son decided he is going to try to sell them at school instead. Always thinking that one.

My brother hadn't seen the movie Dogma yet, so I took that over to watch with him yesterday. I love that movie. So many great lines in there and a ton of amazing actors. Yes, many great actors and actresses.. and also Ben Affleck. One thing he is not is even a good actor, much less great or amazing. He is like the male counter part to Kirsten Dunst. He is just not good at acting. Its a good thing he is friends with Mat Damon so that he still gets parts in movies otherwise he would be showing up on the next Celebrity Rehab reality show.

Well anyway.. happy belated Easter everyone!

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Oh.. and WTF

Read THIS

Well more specifically .. the comments below the question. I'm more than a tad bit disturbed. Do they have a support group for these people? I think they need some help. If nothing else, they could do some multi-group outings with the support group for "People who still eat elementary school paste" and the support group for "Janitors that snack on urnial cakes because they have the word 'Cake' in their name".

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Shouldn't you know?

I don't know why I am still floored by some of the things that go on around here at work. Today was supposed to be a nice easy day. Half day with nothing major pending and most people just ease into a holiday weekend so they don't call us to start anything major. Then I get an email which wants a bunch of information to put together in a report... well crap.

The thing is though, this email is very, VERY vague as to what they are looking for. So I ask for clarification from the person that sent the email. What I get back for an answer was basically:

"Well the person that requested this from me was vague too.. so I'm not sure."

Umm.. so you didn't think to ask for clarification? What was I thinking.. of course you didn't. That would make sense. This individual is supposed to be using his technical knowledge as well as his people skills to provide a bridge so to speak between the non-technical departments and management and the technical world. This is his position now. It's what he wanted to do. Yet when asked for a report, he is unable to even determine if he needs to ask more questions.

Helloooooo.. if you want to be a liaison .. then get to liaising already. Hmm.. not sure thats even a word, but I like it. Nothing irritates me more than a person who wants a job, gets said job and then chooses to not make any kind of effort to do that job. Really, we had ambiguous, pointless requests before. We don't need a middle man that just repeats that crap. We can get that directly from the source and at least they have a reason for it. You are supposed to understand. You are supposed to be able to speak both languages. Apparently you just haven't figured out the mythology of that yet.

Yes, I mean to use the term mythology there. Yes, I know the term methodology would be a better fit, but who am I to judge or question the choice of terms used by the master liaison? Clearly he must know what he is about and I am just a simpleton.

Today's email request was the equivalent of calling up your neighboor and saying, "Hey.. my boss is asking me questions and I need you to give me a report on grass."

Now your reaction to that would be something along the lines of .. "WTF does that mean? Are you talking grass like in your front yard? Or grass as in weed? Do you want to know how to grow it? Do you want to know the different kinds out there? Do you want to know the best kinds of fertilizers and weed killers for your lawn? Do you want to find someone to maintain your lawn? Really.. can you be more specific on what you are looking for so I can get you the information you are looking for?"

Legitimate questions... to which he replies, "I don't know.. he just wants a report on grass."

How the hell do you not ask more questions. Get clarification. Forge some kind of understanding between their world and ours. That is what you signed up for and claimed you are good at. This is an epic failure and is most likely going to be a giant waste of time for all involved.

It is very tempting to just make a crappy report with random facts that are just as useless and unhelpful as the instruction were that they gave us. But my brain doesn't work that way. I need to know. I need to understand what you want. I need it to come out organized and structured. Why must you piss me off so?

Happy hour can't come soon enough. Must drink away the stupid and annoying that is quickly taking up too much of my relaxing half day at work.

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Guest post!

Hi there! Let me introduce myself. I am the night auditor for the hotel and convention center where the author of this blog works. He gracefully switched on-call weeks with a peer when asked so that he is covering her week right now. Why am I writing this morning instead of him? Well he is a little tired and cranky so I thought I would help him out with a guest post.

See I had a problem with the hotel system this morning when running my night audit. I tried and couldn't fix it. So, following our procedures, I contacted security who then called the on-call number to let the engineer know that we were having problems. I needed him to come in and fix the as/400 so that I could finish the backup and the rest of the night audit procedures in order to roll the day so we could start up again.

Here's the thing though. Even though I called him... and even though he called back within 60 seconds of getting the call from CSC, I was jonsing and couldn't possibly hold out for even 2 more minutes. I HAD to go take a cigarette break. Sure I knew I was waking someone out of a dead sleep to help me and that I should really be a the phone for the call, but I didn't think he would mind too much. I'm sure it was perfectly ok with him having to be on hold for over 10 minutes while I finished my cig and wandered back in.

In fact.. I see him coming now. See.. everything is all good. He's smiling. Well maybe evil grin is a better description, but I don't know him that well. He seems happy to see me at any rate. There is a horrible scraping noise though and its getting louder as he get closer. Ahh.. I see the source of the sound now. For some reason he is dragging a metal shovel behind him along the stone tiles of the lobby floor. That's kind of odd. Wonder if I didn't wake him up after all. Maybe he was out gardening at 4am this morning. Im sure that's probably it.

Ahh.. the noise stopped. He picked the thing up finally. Now he is coming towards me with it held like a broadsword. Should I be concerned? Nah.. he is still smiling. Maybe he is going to beat the AS/400 into submission with it.

"Hey.. how's it goinnnOWWWW... GAhhhhhhh... dear lord why did you hit me in the face with that shovAHHHHHHHHHsttoppPLeAse!!"

"HHHHEllllpp.. meeeeee.. please...make the bad man stop"




Hey all.. Blade here. Ms. DumbassNightAuditBitch is .. well .. indisposed and unable to finish her post. She really wanted to finish, but she is kind of just lying there twitching a bit and drooling at the moment. I am dissapointed in the lack of commitment she made to this guest post. I suppose that's the downside of working with outside parties. The upside is that I am feeling awake now after swinging the shovel around for a bit which is exactly what I needed!

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It's raining .. whale?

I was talking with some friends the other day about the strangest and funniest videos we had come across over the years. Some of the best get mailed around over and over again. So I was quite surprised to hear they had not yet seen the video of the Oregon Highway Division using some creative techniques to dispose of a beached whale.

So, for your viewing pleasure.. here it is:


There is just something magical that happens when you mix a group of people who definitely rode the short bus to school with 20 cases of TNT and a 45 foot long, 8 ton whale. I was in awe when the Highway Division guy gets on camera and starts trying to be all serious in explaining their plan of attack for the impending explosion. You know his buddies were all off screen jumping up and down doing shots of moonshine, brimming with anticipation at yet another completely unecessary use of explosives.

For those of you having hard time understanding the Highway Division guy due to the accent, I have translated it for you.

Highway Guy: mummblemmmble.. DYNAMITE .. mmmblmmmble.. DEAD WHALE.. mmbllmm..BEEN DRINKING SINCE NOON .. mmmbl.. HEY GUYS! WATCH THIS!!

The new guy has some great comments in there as well such as:

"Where the blast blasted blubber beyond all reasonable bounds"

and

"Everyone at the scene was covered with chunk of dead whale."

Honestly.. it just doesn't get much better than that. Sure, there are lots of videos of uneducated rednecks and explosives on the net, but its usually a backyard thing that involves them removing their eyebrows and other facial hair or maybe a possum if they are feeling adventurous. This was epic. A rotting, 8 ton whale carcass. 20 Cases of TNT. The smart supervisor on vacation. A news team there to capture it all. Priceless.

The announcer at the end says that he hope the next time a whale washes up in that county that they will know what not to do. Screw that. Let's make a reality TV show out of that group of rocket surgeons touring around the country blowing up other dead animals. Cmon.. as much as you hate to admit it, you would watch that show. How can you not?

Based on the microphone the guy is holding and the general look of him, I'm guessing that film is from a couple of decades ago. Its quite possible those highway division guys are still sitting around the bar on a Friday night drinking and saying to each other, "Hey you guys member when we blowded up that whale?"

It takes a special person to mastermind a plan to cover 50+ people in chunks of rotting whale flesh. Kudos to you Mr. OregonHighwayDepartmentEngineer guy! Let's all have another round and salute "The real men of genius"!

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Trent gets it.

Regardless of your opinion on the music of Nine Inch Nails, you have to give a lot of respect to a musician that has managed to step outside the mainstream music biz. Trent Reznor managed to extract his band Nine Inch Nails from their contract with Universal Music Group's Interscope records. Since doing so he has come up with several unique ways to get his music out to the fans.

Rather than fight the way things were going.. he embraced it and has found a way to keep things going for himself. No one buys CDs anymore. The people who are buying music still are doing it in digital downloads. The only reason people buy CDs these days is if there is some special benefit to it. The same reason people buy collectors editions of videos or games or books. So when NIN released their last album, he put it online where you could download it for the crazy low price of.. FREE. He offered it for sale at the same time though as an iTunes download for 9 bucks for the whole album and 10 bucks for a numbered limited edition CD as well. He sold 250 thousand of them.

He had this to say in an article on Wired:

"One of the biggest wake-up calls of my career was when I saw a record contract," he says. "I said, 'Wait — you sell it for $18.98 and I make 80 cents? And I have to pay you back the money you lent me to make it and then you own it? Who the fuck made that rule? Oh! The record labels made it because artists are dumb and they'll sign anything' — like I did."

Trent is going even further these days. His website offers free downloads for virtually anything an fan can think off from music to photos to videos. He does have a tech team that handles the core technology of the site, but everything else is handled and monitored by 'super fans' that gain the status and some additional benefits in exchange for monitoring and maintining the site. He allows and helps distribute fan remixes of his songs.. to the tune of 11,000 different ones already. He allows fans to upload and download pics from all the NIN shows and performances and ties them in to a Flikr / Wiki interface so people can search for shows they were at. Some 30K pics are supposed to be avail on their website now.

His latest venture is an iPhone app that ties in with a GPS system and a twitter interface that allows Trent to post backstage photos and events up for the fans out front to see while they are waiting to get in to a show. Fans out front can use the GPS functions to see what fans near them are also plugged into the app and share pics and video and conversations. This iPhone app is also being offered for free.

As much as record companies would like to pretend its not happening, their music distribution system is going the way of the dodo. People are not running down to the mall to pick up the latest CDs. Even the people who are paying for music legitimately are buying individual songs or albums off online distribution sites. There are services that offer access to catelogs of 3 million or more songs for a flat fee of 15 bucks a month. Considering the 15-20 cost of one CD which you may only really want 3 or 4 songs off of.. well its not hard to see why this business model is no longer working.

I hope that Trent's pioneering ideas help pave the way for other artists to embrace the technology out there and find new ways to connect with fans and distribute their music without having to enslave themselves to a major label. It would be nice to know that when you do pay for music, that the money you plunk down for it is actually going to the artist.

The web, like it or not, is here to stay. Fight it.. or get on for the ride.

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Make em fit..

While this is a somewhat sad and disturbing tale ... I think the deal being made out of it is far worse.

For those of you unable to click the link or are just too lazy to read it, basically a former employee of a funeral home is claiming that a 6'5" man was too tall for the coffin they sold to put him in and that the funeral home cut parts of his legs off to make him fit.

Sure, everyone wants to feel their loved ones are treated with respect even after they are gone. No one would want to have that happen to a family member. However, this allegedly happened in 2004. 5 years ago. For 5 years the family of that guy has struggled to move on and come to terms with his passing.

Now, because someone wants to alleviate his guilt over this knowledge, they are drudging this whole thing back up. They are exhuming the body and doing a criminal investigation. Who knows how long this is going to take and how long the family is going to have to deal with a situation they thought was put to rest, literally, years ago. Its bad enough that it happened. Whats worse is that someone who knew about it then when he was working for the funeral home waiting 5 years when he is no longer an employee there to think it was important to bring up. He/she was ok with it when they needed the job, but now its ok to go back and make the family suffer through the emotions again and deal with this new information and investigation on top of it all. That irritates me.

For the record, when I go, creamate me. Don't worry about having to get the taller coffin. Hell, if you can get a discount on a smaller urn or something, go for it. Like I am going to care. Really though.. if they need to chop off body parts so they can fit people in smaller caskets, chop off the head. If you watch any zombie movies, you know the only way to stop them is to cut their head off. So, save money on the casket and prevent a world zombie invasion.

If there IS a zombie invasion though, there are few key points to remember:

1. Old LPs thrown frisbie like are generally not effective weaponry for removing heads of zombies.

2. Despite what you see in movies .. pretending to shamble along and moan like you are already a zombie doesn't work. THEY KNOW.

3. Always aim for the head. Hitting them or shooting them in the body is just going to piss them off. They already want to eat you, so lets not make it worse mmmmkay?

4. You only have to outrun the slowest person. Tripping, while generally considered rude, is perfectly legal in a zombie invasion. Don't be afraid to sacrafice the nearest annoying person or Rascall Flats band member in order to make your getaway.

5. Zombies are not jumpers .. so any obstacle you can jump over in your escape will slow them down. Fences...logs...Kisten Dunst out cold from a shovel to the face etc.

6. If food becomes scarce, joining the zombies as opposed to having to eat canned green beans is acceptable!

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You Rock Kel!

It was Friday and we were wandering around the streets of Chicago taking in some of the sites. We had had a few drinks before leaving the hotel. We had a few more drinks at a bar we found along the way as we got out of the cold Chicago wind for a bit. That second set of drinks was served by James Spader himself. I guess economic hard times hit everyone if he is now serving drinks in downtown Chicago. I was going to ask him how he ended up there slinging booze, but figured he would give me some BS line about just working there while doing auditions or something anyway. Cheers to you though Mr. Spader.. you make a fine Black and Tan!



After a few drinks there, we headed back out into the blustery evening. It was getting to be around dinner time and we had a decision to make as to where we would dine. No one had any preferences, so I suggested we go to ESPN zone as the Arizona Wildcats were playing in the NCAA tourney at 6pm. We ambled over that direction like a wierd cross between winos and tourists. There might have been the occasional inebriation induced misstep, but we still had to stop so pictures could be taken...

We made it to the ESPN Zone and I got to watch the game while we ate. In all honesty, I wish I hadn't been able to see it. Arizona got DEMOLISHED. It ended up being a 39 point loss. The good news was they had beer to drown my misery. Not only did they have beer, but they served it in a 25oz mug. My kinda place.



Now I have been trying to find a mug like this for home. I like to make Black and Tans at home, but that is much easier when you have a glass that can hold two bottles of beer at once. So as I am sitting there admiring this mug, I jokingly tell Kel that she should have brough a bigger purse so I could drop one of the mugs in there to take home. We all laugh about it because she brought just this small purse with her.. so the mug was close to twice the size of the purse.

We finish our meal and after 3 or 5 of those large beers, I needed to hit the head before we went wandering again. So I head that direction and told them I would meet them outside. As I join up with them outside, there is Kel with her tiny purse and a giant beer mug sitting on top of it. She has her hand through the straps for this purse and through the beer mug as if it was a natural accessory. It was really quite comical...but she acted like it was supposed to be there.

So now I have an awesome mug at home for my beer and I raise my glass in salute to you Kel, appropriator of beer mugs, every time I pour one. You rock!

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